Okay, so it has been more than a “few days” since my last post. While I promised to keep up this series on a regular basis, I found this particular post difficult to write.

The “truth” to be shared in this post #4 is this: You can only count on yourself to make your life what you want it to be. Even then, there will be things that are out of your control and that have to be dealt with in the best way possible, often requiring compromises.

Here is my story… I have always been career driven. I was one of those teenagers who said that I would be the first woman President of the United States. (Hey, in the 80’s this was quite ambitious!) I think I have mentioned this before, but – I was dead set on having it all: a great career, a great family, money, friends, health, integrity, etc.

I got married young by today’s standards. I met my husband in college where it was crystal clear and apparent to everyone that I was setting myself up to be a professional woman. My husband had what I would call modest aspirations. (He often told people that he was going to be a school bus driver some day.) He promised repeatedly that he would be a stay-at-home dad as long as we could live comfortably on my salary some day. Not being one to keep my opinions, thoughts, or feelings quiet, I made sure that he understood where I saw myself in 5, 10, and 25 years down the road and that I saw him there with me but nowhere in the plan was me giving up my professional plans. This may sound crazily anal-retentive, but we both agreed to certain plans. One, we would one day relocate near his family to put down roots. Two, I would promise to earn 6 figures or more a year (seemed like a lot back then!) and, three, he would be a stay at home dad. We were married almost five years before our first child was born.

Remember what I said about the “best laid plans”? I have kept both of my promises. We live next door to his mother and I make well above $100K a year. However, he hasn’t kept up his end of the deal. He works a lot. In fact, even though I recently moved into a demanding position, he just took a promotion at work that will demand more of his time than ever – and he did it without consulting me; he committed to a three year contract!

It really hurts me that he won’t keep his promise. It is really hard to be the sort of parents that I want us to be and for both of us to work. It has taken me adjusting to a lot of compromises over the past 6+ years to get where I am today. Many say that I should be the one to sacrifice my professional aspirations, that I should stay at home with the kids to make sure they are raised my way. I can’t. I, like many economically-privileged working mothers, have very ingrained reasons why we ‘have’ to work. Staying home is not an option for me… but I never promised that I would either. (Of course, if I had to give up my job for the kids, I would. Also, I understand that I am much more fortunate that others who truly HAVE to work. We have found childcare solutions that we are satisfied with for now.)

I don’t know why he promised to be a stay at home dad but now won’t do it. (He actually did stop working full time for about 9 months last year but that was only because he quit a job for us to move next to his mom and couldn’t find a new job for that amount of time.) Maybe he really intended to do that and has now realized that he just can’t. Perhaps he had a lot of misinformed pre-conceived notions about what parenting was really like. Perhaps he never really thought I would hold him to it or that I would forget about our deal. Maybe, deep down, he thought I would just stay at home; that I would change my mind; that I would conform to what society expects. Maybe he wants to keep his promise but is scared. We talk a lot on this site about society’s pressures and expectations. Maybe he can’t overcome the pressure to work. I have asked him about it on numerous occasions (usually when we face a childcare crisis or other marital strife). He doesn’t have a satisfactory answer. Once he told me that it wouldn’t set a good example for the extended family if he didn’t work.

So, you ask, what’s the point here? My point is this… Having a child is likely to change you in ways you never expected. I know many mothers that say that having a kid sucked all of the ambition right out of them. I know many mothers (including myself) that say they have never experienced as much pure joy as they do when they hold their baby or hear their young child say ‘I love you Mommy’. I know many mothers that say that they had no idea how hard it would be to go back to work after maternity leave. I don’t know what to say except to say, the same thing applies to men. Until you are a parent, you cannot imagine what it feels like to be a parent. You may find a partner that you think is going to be a great dad to your future-children. He might turn out to be a terrible father who’s discipline and parenting styles are so different from your own that you wouldn’t want him home with the children all day. You may find that your spouse is short-tempered, abuses alcohol, or has physical or mental limitations that interfere with your best laid parenting plan. Or, like me, you may find that your spouse takes on a much different role in the division of parenting responsibilities than what you were planning for. Really, any number of things could derail your life-plan train that seems, today, to be running perfectly down the track. Be ready for it. Be ready for the juggling, the new emotions, the conflict, the compromise. Be ready for kids to completely derail your life’s plans. Good luck!

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