complainant

When Other Women Hate You Because You’re Beautiful

No one really talks about it, but one of the main issues preventing women from getting along with other women is jealousy. In the professional world, it breaks down to one of two things: jealousy over how good you are at what you do or jealousy over how good you look doing what you do. These related but distinct problems each deserve their own post, so I’ll start with Green Monster #1: when you’re prettier than the average woman. Many of you reading this are probably already feeling an aversion to the topic—none of us likes to admit that other people are better looking than we are or, even worse, that we resent them for it. In fact, many of us don’t admit it, not even to ourselves. Instead, we channel the jealousy into resentment and let it lurk inside of us until the object of it does something that we can interpret maliciously—and then we hate them for that reason. I was inspired to write this post when I got a tearful phone call from a law school friend about how women at her new job don’t like her. Having gone to law school with her, where women had a hard time with her even then, I wasn’t surprised (though of course I couldn’t tell her that—part of the beauty of anonymous blogging is that I now get to tell you). What I wish I could tell her is that being hated for being attractive isn’t necessarily about what you look like. A lot of it is about what you do with what you look like. The most sought after person may not be the most beautiful one but rather the one who puts herself out there. Yes, I’m talking about flirting. So, while I would never suggest that an attractive woman should slum herself up so her co-workers won’t be jealous of her, I would suggest that there are things that can be done to avoid being eaten by other women by Green Monster #1, especially since, as I detail below, while in my experience women might be jealous of any attractive woman, they only actively hate those who inappropriately use their sexual appeal to get ahead.

In thinking about writing this post, there are three main questions with which I struggled. The first is: why are women jealous in the first place? I don’t have the answer, though perhaps women are still socialized to think that their primary task in life is to get a mate, and the main thing that mates are looking for (so it may seem) is the most attractive woman around. Other women are therefore competition, even if logically a woman can recognize that she’s in a relationship or not actually interested in dating people at the office herself or that there’s actually not a cash prize for being the best looking person in the office. Still, perhaps it’s experienced as a subtle insult to not receive attention directed at someone else, and the hurt of not being singled out finds an outlet in jealousy at the person who is singled out.

Question two: what can we, as women, do to stop the vicious cycle of women hating women? Again, I don’t know. We can all do our part by recognizing feelings of jealousy when we have them and working through our own issues instead of taking them out on other people. Though, as I discuss below, sometimes we actually aren’t jealous of the pretty girl and are rightfully pissed that flirting and sex appeal are being harnessed as professional tools to advance.

Question three: what can my friend do now that she’s found herself the object of office jealousy (and jealousy’s BFFs, resentment and hatred)? Many of you will likely argue (with good reason) that it isn’t my friend’s responsibility to change anything—that the jealousy is about other people’s issues and not her fault. True, but . . . like many things in life, you can be in the right and still be professionally damaged from your moral high horse. Every person has to decide what price they’re willing to pay for any one of a million different behaviors, and using your physical assets in a professional context is no different. My friend tells me (and this echoes what I’ve had other friends tell me, and what I’ve told myself on occasion) is a variant of “but I don’t do anything” (subtext: I was born this way. Men just can’t keep their eyes off me. I basically shower myself in shit every morning, but I am still so attractive that I can’t repel them). If you are someone who tells yourself stories like these, it wouldn’t hurt to explore whether it’s actually true that you do absolutely nothing. From what I’ve seen, more often than not if people at work dislike someone for no other reason than because that person is attractive, it’s not only because they are jealous of how pretty that person is. Why do I think that? Because there are plenty of very attractive women I’ve worked with or gone to school with who other women don’t hate. Is it that the ones who are hated are just that beautiful? No. Well, is it that the ones who are hated are just that much bitchier? No. So what is it? I’ve thought about this issue a lot, and my best analysis is that women hate women who use their physical attractiveness to their professional advantage. No one hates the Angelina Jolie twin hard at work at her desk in a turtleneck and flats (or even a professional suit like the rest of us mortals wear). Women tend to hate the Angelina Jolie twin who wears a short skirt and a low-cut blouse and smiles suggestively at the partner while asking about assignments. So, if women hate you and inside you tell yourself that it’s because they are jealous, but you actually want to get along with other women professionally, here are my suggestions:

  1. Know that you rarely if ever make friends by talking about how pretty you are

It may depend on your audience, but I feel comfortable saying that 99% of the time, you don’t engender positive opinion about yourself when you 1) talk about an issue with another woman and attribute the conflict to the other woman being jealous of you; 2) talk about how many men are after you, the compliments you receive on how beautiful you are, how some guy crashed his car while staring at you walk down the street, how it’s so hard to be you because of all the attention, etc.; 3) talk about how guys in the office stare at you, hit on you, etc. (unless of course it’s a sexual harassment issue, and then you absolutely should talk about it, probably to your boss in the form of a formal complaint). Just remember, no one likes a braggart, and when you draw attention to an aspect of yourself repeatedly, people notice and tend to draw conclusions about you that may not be favorable.

  1. Recognize your own self-worth

My assumption about many women who spend a lot of time flirting or talking about the items listed above is that their main source of self-esteem is their appearance. Regardless of whether or not I’m right, I view these women as less complicated and competent than they actually are because their own internalized belief that their looks are the best thing they have to offer comes across loud and clear, and I believe it because they believe it. A lot of us have been rewarded in life for how we look, and it’s natural that a certain amount of self-esteem has become attached to our pride in our appearance. However, we’re not in high school anymore. I maintain that it’s actually professionally damaging to project ourselves as pretty faces. Why? Because we’re so much more than that. We’re smart and ambitious and competent. If we still derive pleasure and self-esteem from being physically desired, then it’s important to leave that aspect of ourselves at home because people pick up on what we project, and if you spend a lot of time priding yourself on your looks and drawing attention to your physical attractiveness and flirting at the office, then a lot of your colleagues will view you in a one-dimensional way, and you will never be truly valued for what lies under the surface. You are more than a pretty face. Step forward and embrace that truth.

  1. Understand the broader consequences of sexualizing yourself as a professional woman

I firmly believe that it is damaging to all professional women when any professional woman chooses to use her looks to get ahead. Why do I say “chooses”? Because I do think that it is a choice. True, none of us chose how God made us, but we all make choices about what to wear to work and how to interact with our clients and colleagues. Am I… gasp…saying that women can’t wear whatever they want to? I am absolutely saying that. Am I…gasp…saying that women have to take responsibility for how people respond to their natural state of being? Yes. Why? Because our “natural states of being” are socialized. Many women get positive responses to their looks and learn (from an early age) how to keep getting those responses through subtle things like eye contact, body language, etc. Do you do things of which you’re not aware that others perceive as flirting? Why don’t you ask someone you think would be honest with you because you might be surprised by the answer you get. I truly believe that my friend doesn’t realize that she flirts all the time. After writing this post, I think I’ve convinced myself that I should tell her. Her flirting looks like this: low cut tops and high heels that she uses as props to accentuate her body in how she moves, a different smile for men than for women, brief touches on men’s arms or hands while she talks to them, standing closer to men than strictly necessary, complimenting men, laughing differently with men than with women, using different tones of voice when speaking to men than with women, making statements like “This judge likes a pretty face, so I should be able to get a good outcome for my client,” etc. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. I have no idea if my friend knows that she behaves differently with men than she does with women, but I guarantee that the women in her office notice, and if they dislike her, it may not be because they are jealous but rather because they are disgusted by the behavior.

In conclusion, if you’re a pretty girl, please think about this: As much as you may enjoy getting attention for being pretty, the cost is high. When you draw attention to your looks for professional benefit, even if subconsciously, you are reduced to a lowest common denominator, you damage your relationships with other women, and you create an expectation that all women who could flirt to get ahead should, which continues a scheme of rewards for behavior that we as professional women want to leave behind us. We no longer need to battle it out to be the fairest of them all. We have a seat at the table now. We can get ahead on our own merits. We aren’t reliant on men to take care of us. Ladies, I beg you to be more than just your pretty face, and I think you’ll find that in the process, you’ll be more respected by women and men alike.

63 Comments

Legal Eagle

Good advice.
And I just wanted to say: GREAT screen-name for blawging!

1000faces

I'm giving my take on this as someone who is considered "attractive".  Why I say that is even though I have gotten (and still get despite being happily married) my fair share of attention from men in everyday life, I've never had a problem while in law school or at work.  I also don't think anyone hated me over how I look though I never make that an issue.  I did get compliments on work clothes when I worked at a law firm before going to law school but I always dressed tastefully and professionally (which I firmly believe one can do while looking one's age & reflecting personal style).
I'm not so sure the problem you mention is limited to attractive women.  I've seen plenty of women I wouldn't consider very attractive conduct themselves in the same manner you describe.  I can't stand such women anywhere since I think they're pandering to men instead of being themselves & it just diminshes any "attractiveness" they may have.  Plus it makes it harder for every other woman to be taken seriously on the job. 
I don't think attractive women should be subjected to double standards as you seem to suggest; however, I do think they should conduct themselves just as professionally as anyone else & be considerate of everyone, not just men.  I wouldn't dream of using my looks to get ahead since I don't feel being a lawyer should be akin to being an actress but maybe some of these people wanting to resort to that should look into a career where that would be an advantage.  Maybe they should also pursue jobs in environments where their preferred dress code is the norm.

lenagraber

I'd just like to point out that this isn't a 'female thing.'  
I admit first that I generally disagree with the premise that what you describe is a reflection of general truth, but insofar as it is true at least some of the time, it's equally true of men as of women.  
The difference of course is that men rarely need to appeal to women to get ahead; they need to appeal to other more powerful men. 

ipgirl

<div>Thank you for this post - it recognizes a problem that I have always suspected existed, but have found difficult to address, for, how pompous it would be for me to say, "hey, i think the women hate me at work because i'm more attractive."  I work in an intellectual property law firm, with many men, and few women.  </div><div></div><div>Throughout law school, I had many females who hated me. When pressed for a reason as to why they despised me (yes, it was that evident to 3rd parties that they would ask they haters why they hate…),  they couldn't really pinpoint a reason.  </div><div></div><div>I'm told I come off as confident, independent and well put together.  I'm 30, but I look much younger.  I am on the attractive side, and have a more stylish sense of fashion.  I never wear anything trashy, I keep myself well covered and strive for professionalism and class.  </div><div></div><div>I've had women at my firm look me up and down, comment on my clothing in a way that creeps me out. (mainly insincere compliments and they way they check you out, comments on my weight- I am very petite)</div><div>I'm sarcastic and self deprecating—which is something a lot of women don't know how to react to.  I think it infuriates them more, since it makes their attempts at putting me down seem more futile. </div><div>A more senior, female associate has often made condenscending comments about my work, experience, and even made comments about how much older she is. (turns out we are the same age).</div><div>I don't get why women have to put each other down.  I have great friends that are supportive, then there are the insecure people that I work with. perhaps its a by product of being in a male dominated profession—women have to compete with men, and to look better, they knock other women down.</div><div></div><div>I've considered dressing more dumpy, but that's just a depressing option. It's infuriating because I just go about my day, minding my own business, tying not to let the put downs and subtle disses bother me.  I don't act like a stupid helpless girl with men, nor do I try to flirt to get my way.  When stupid comments are made about me, or stupid passive aggressive things are done to me, I try to make a joke to diffuse the situation or try to put a positive spin on it to show that it doesn't bother me—- on second thought i'm sure that fuels the hate more. </div><div></div><div>Maybe my perception of myself is skewed, but I don't think I do this to other women—i recognize that it takes more effort to be mean to other women, and frankly don't have the energy to do that even if i wanted to.  I'm an easy target since I don't fight back, and I think some women may just be testing me out to see how far they can get before I smack them in the face… (jk).</div><div></div><div>This phenomena of women hating other women is hard to describe unless you've experienced it—it's not something you can easily put your finger on, but I'm so glad I found this site for support.</div><div></div><div>Thanks! </div>

veronica

"A lot of it is about what you do with what you look like"
This is so true. I worked in a group where there were only 3 other women around my level of experience. Two of them were definitely more attractive than I was (or am!). Slim, tall, perfect hair and skin and makeup, gorgeous shoes my wide feet would never fit. I'd say both were equally competent. Both wore girly jewellery and pointy shoes and took pride in their appearance.
One was universally liked by women and men in the office. The other was ony liked by the men.
The difference was all in attitude. I think women realize quicker than men when they're dealing with a show-off. Or maybe we're more inclined to call it for what it is because unlike the men we can't see it as a personal compliment she'd make the effort for us.
The woman in question would do things like share unsolicited advice from her hairdresser, or about her dress size, or from her boyfriend. The nice pretty woman would leave that until she was either asked, or for a more appropriate setting like a coffee break or after work. It was pretty clear which one was just a nice woman who happened to be pretty and which was a pretty woman ramming it down our throats.
I think we're all capable of having both strong friendships and strong dislike of good looking female colleagues, which goes to show it isn't about their looks in the end. It's about their atittude to us and professionalism in the office. Perhaps their beauty distorts their own perceptions but I don't think its fair to call it a cross for them to bear that they are disliked by other women.
If you're pretty as well as competent, congratulations. Now show us all how competent you are by not using your looks to either curry favor with the men or put down the women. Then we will like you even if you wear size -3. Honest.

southerland

I have had the experience of women being jealous of me, I don’t consider myself beautiful, however I like clothes and I wear them well, I should not have to suffer for what I like because other women have low self esteem and don’t see the gifts they have within themselves. My question is can we get off the physical appearence and study more on what a person has to offer from the heart , at the end of the day beauty fades and then what do we have left as women ? My answer to that question is love for ones self and love for others , that is what is important , real substance comes from the heart, not what you look like!!!!

dmd1962

I work with an office full of other women whom are all younger than me. Unfortunately, I have encountered situations, which, after reading this article, I can now understand how I have been making the situations worse. OK, so my only issue with my children is trying to get them to keep their room clean. They are top atheletes in their school, honor roll students, and do not argue with me about going to church, actually, they go more often than I do. I am 46 but look 36, have had 7 kids, 4 of whom are still at home, 4, 7, 12, and 13. I am greatful I also managed to escape a very abusive husband and avoided the stereo-typical abused-wife syndrome.  Get the picture? Surely, I am proud of my children and am happy that I am still alive. I will apologize, though, for my attire in the workplace. I never realized my sense of fashion would affect my co-workers.  It just so happens you can shop at the Goodwill and still look like a million dollars.

dmd1962

I have chosen to go to work looking frumpy and sworn off heals for a while. I can’t believe I have allowed an office full of younger woman affect me like this, but I honestly feel that if I did not change my attire, it would only fuel the situation and just make it unbearable to remain employed where I am.  So, I will flaunt what the Good Lord has blessed me with after hours. In my 30 years of working in an office environment, I have never worked closely with women, so this is something very new to me. I can gloat in all that I have accomplished and the recognition I have received, but what good would that do? I am friendly, out going, and single handedly running a home alone filled with a 4, 7, 12, and 13 year old. I consider myself a survivor and have avoided the stereo typical abused-wife syndrome. Add all that up along with a few ladies who have seem to have lost their sense of style and husbands who don’t "demand" their wives throw on some lipstick once in a while, and what do you get? Me wishing I was fat and dumpy looking just to fit in. Now how sad is that?

dmd1962

I am a single mom of 4 wonderful kids, trying to make ends meet on a one-paycheck- every-two-weeks household. The other women in the office…...all married, drive beautiful cars, and are much younger than me. So, why do they hate me? They are making me hate myself for being attractive.

City Gal

I am in an office with women who put me down and call me names.  The ages of the women range from 33, 29, 28 and 22 and one woman is 48.
I am closer in age to the woman who is 48.
I am doing well at my job and I am attrative.  I am heavier than these other women and I have overheard them saying I am old and the size of an elephant, but they copy my style of dress and accessories and  hair.
With the younger women at the office their looks and finding a husband are the most important topics of conversation.  The conversation lasts from the morning until it’s time to go home.
Beauty brings out the worst in people.  Brains and beauty makes people hostile.
If men fall over their feet at the sight of a beautiful woman who is modestly dressed and who comports herself as an equal coworker who does not flirt, it should not become the problem of the beauiful women if others are envious when this woman is getting this unwelcomed attention and just trying to do her job. 
Beautiful women are seen as not being smart or nice and manipulative and must have done something to get where she is.  It’s a man’s world in that respect. 
If a gorgeous friendly woman smiles at a man he thinks she wants him.  Nonsense.
Women need to stand up to the sterotypes and come to grips with their own perceived shortcomings.
The world needs to come to terms with themselves that there are beautiful people (born beautiful) in it who possess more than their looks who are also smart, kind, caring, creative and talented and learn to live with it or try to bring out in themselves what is good and not tear down the beautiful people of the world to make themselves feel better.
Gorgeous girls are being attacked and maimed on YouTube.com. 
My grandparents were beautiful their whole lives.  Aging does not take away a beautiful persons looks.  The beauty is still there, just lived in.
Handsome men are perceived as being dumb too or called names.
It’s discrimination.
 
 

Quark

Well…I’m not even in a job situation yet and I’m already hated. I am a student, and upon my first day of walking into the history department…I met someone who was ready to demolish me off the face of the earth before I even opened my mouth. I was shocked, but I just kept this tiny, cute little polite smile. This had a severe impact on me because this woman could not control herself. Her face was contorted, brutal…she showed me her teeth…narrowed the eyes…this is your basic serial killer behaviour. Interestingly, there are very, very few women and hardly no young ones who work at the department…so I guess she is trying to keep the throne and the male attention. I often wonder if they ran away. Most people are fine with me, though. When I meet women who act like wild beasts, I just return the favour 100%. No use in acting politely to the savages because they will not leave u alone. I stayed at the history department, I still do the subject and though I have severe depression and often ask myself why I put up with the torture, the answer is this: I am a brilliant student and this freak was not going to alter my route in life by making me go to another department. One day people will treat her kids like that and she will see the pain.

professorpollard

Women are women’s worst enemies, unfortunately, especially professionally, and it is worse in southern states where the concept that women are in competition for men is most acute (because many women in these parts are powerless, uneducated, and really do need a man to survive).  The problem with women being jealous of other women and working hard to try to bring them down must be discussed and exposed.  It is unfair for some women to be subjected to constant harassment as a result of other women’s jealousy or relative professional inferiority. If nothing else, someone should create a website, a forum in which women can express their various experiences with this, and how it harms them professionally and otherwise (such as emotionally).  There is no excuse for pretty women having to deal with other women’s (and sometimes men’s) insecurities in the form of harassment, attempts to undermine credibility, and even slander. I saw it in my own employment law practice years ago - women quitting their jobs and losing benefits instead of dealing with the constant unfair professional accusations resulting from other women’s jealousy.  Ridiculous. This stuff needs to be exposed, and the perpetrators should be named, exposed, and held accountable. Most men have no idea what we are talking about - although some savvy men get it. Women need to stick together and to empower one another thereby. This issue has been silent far too long.  Let’s talk about it. Deana Pollard Sacks
Professor of Law

professorpollard

A woman who is beautiful and sexy enough cannot do anything about hatred being directed at her due to her looks and innate attractiveness (which may not be about beauty per se - sexiness is something else).  There is no way to stop the anger other women feel when they realize that this other woman has more power.  The one you describe sounds like an idiot (the one you don’t like), but I must say, if a woman is outstanding enough, there is nothing she can do to quell the jealousy.  I had a client like this once, pretty, sexy middle eastern woman, who was brutalized at work. She was NICE, honest, and decent. She had no way of stopping it. She just had to move on. Totally unfair.

urtru

How incredibly honest you all are who are telling it like it is about the almost life ruining effects that jealousy towards beauty incurs.The author of the article still seems to be pre feminist in her cliche thinking that these victims are bringing it on for silly,outdated reasons.Women are not Dolly Parton coming into the workplace anymore.We all know a thing or two.The truth is that being pretty is the one unforgivealble sin to other women and the perpetrator has to be punished and ostracized and wrecked.I have had everything from mistreatment on a plane,at work,at a gym,at so many things in my life that it is maddening ,and it makes me a drained and sad woman.I have a special needs daughter that I adopted having been adopted myself,and wheeling her arund I even have had this unforgiving cruelty still.I agree wth one persons comment that giving it back 100% works.Kindness and politeness make it worst.Some women maybe less endowed with prettiness or grace,although as an artist I find something moving in all,enjoy the ganging up on women,and wil take special pleasure in manipulating weaker men into the same behaviors.This has GOT to be brought out and discussed.I am ANGRY.I suppose their sick reasoning is FAIR GAME.

abshandra

When other woman hate me because I’m beautiful? I will say to all of them,"None of your business and talk to the hand." If we always listen to others, we will never move forward, and make anything good in our life. As long as we don’t do anything wrong, just say,"Screw you!" Just ignoring them. That’s not our fault, if we are prettier than the others.
______________________
The last place I want to go is united states bankruptcy court

Debbie

to make this short as I already sent you a long story but something happened to the website, please don’t let anyone make you hate yourself.  I want you to use your attractiveness towards these witches.  I am busy at the moment but I will reply once again to you as I have a daughter that has been experiencing cruel and demeaning behaviour for years, ever since high school by female losers that need to grow up and smell the roses not crush them.

annette

Yes, it is a phenomena you can’t put a finger on.  I’m guilty of continually assessing myself to find out if something is wrong with me when I KNOW I have done nothing wrong.  I think I’m considered attractive and it seems most women who don’t know me very well always comment on my size or wardrobe (I’m thin, tall, and dress very professionally—NEVER sexy).  I even consider myself as a little old-school (polite and friendly but with some reserve). I’ve been married 17 years and have no interest in trying to impress any…men.    I will be a very happy person when I learn to accept that I’m not the one who has the problem.  It is so ridiculous that this conversation even has to take place.

nicegirl81

I recently quit my job because of the extreme amount of harrassment from other female co-workers. I worked as an Activity Director for an Assisted Living facility because I love working with seniors and especially making people happy.  When I started the job I noticed there was an extreme amount of hostility towards me from other women in the work atmosphere including my boss.  The first week after working, an attractive male therapist said hello to me and I politely responded back by saying hello.  After that day my working experience was made hell by mostly all of the women working within the facility.  My main job was to work in the Skilled Nursing section of the facility completing assessments and following thru with all calender activities.  The next week after saying hello to the attractive therapist, the activity room in the Skilled Nursing facility was taken away from me by the director prohibiting me from fully conducting my job duties.  In order to complete the assessments, I had to sit in the charting room at the nurses station.  I was continually harrassed by several young ladies who gave glowered stares and slammed objects in an intimidating manner to prohibit me from being in that designated area.  On several occassions I was harrassed in the employee parking lot by a co-worker who intentionally drove by me in an intentional threatning and hostile manner.  I knew all of this was derived by jealosy I am very attractive and they feared I like the male therapist.  I in no way wanted to sleep with the male therapist, I am a christian woman who is married with children and take my vows seriously.  After 7 months of harrassment from one paticular woman, I filed a complaint and submitted it to Human Resources expressing my job could not be completed because I was prohibited from fulfilling my job duties because of this hostile behavior.  The letter was ignored by the director and human resources.  Months after being on the job I lost some weight and the male therapist began to show me an extreme amount of attention. He was always talking to me and making comments making it clear he was attracted to me.  I knew he had a small crush but I always ignored all of his advances. I hated his attention because he did nothing but cause me more problems with my other female co-workers.  I knew he had slept with a lot of women on the job including my director.  I even stopped speaking to him altogether, I decreased the amount of time I spent in skilled nursing all as a ploy ease the hostile tension with the other female co-workers.  None of it worked because he was always staring and made comments to other employees.  I eventually quit after  a year of working because I knew no one had my back.  My boss, the director, marketing EVERYONE was jealous of me because they were threatened I might sleep with this therapist.  I REALLY LOVED MY JOB but knew I had to quit because I had no support.  I wish I could claim a Lawsuit against them but it’s ok.  It even got to a point where some of the ladies followed me to and  from work. I know God will prevail in the end

MonicaMonster

I thought this would get more positive comments; there seem to be lots of women whining about how beautiful they are.  I am not a lawyer, I am a cook so I work in a very male dominated industry.  I would not say that I am perfect but I do know by the reaction of men and women that I am quite pretty…this does not seem to mean so much to me as it does to most people.  The culture in my line of work can be very brazen and sexist and to be honest the things I hear my coworkers say about women can be really hurtful(granted I am pretty sensitive).  A woman that worked before me used her sexuality to "get ahead" and to this day uses it whenever she comes in for a visit.  She is the type of woman described as in the article and it does bother me. I am not trying to put her down but she is not as attractive as I am for me to be jealous of her, it is her behavior I do not like. At first, she did not bother me, but after a while, I started noticing her behavior and how they would talk about her once she’d walk out the door. Then I realized(was told) that I was thought of as nothing more than sex as well. For a while I lost a little faith, even confidence, wondering why I was hired, etc. I had to fight so hard for respect.  All that really hurt, and it really changed me, but for the better.  I am wiser, and much like the writer of this article, I understand how even just one woman using sex undermines the abilities of the woman that follows us. I have gained respect at my job, I think even more so because these men know that I could have used my sexuality just as she does. Instead I chose to work hard. I am treated very well these days, as the person I am, not how I look. I think that often the women that use their sexuality have low self-esteem, or have just yet to grow up and realize that even if attention is fun, it’s not always good, and that looks aren’t your way to everything nor should they be when you have a mind and soul and life experiences.  They are often usually notoriously single, which further proves that they have no idea how to get respect and love(which is what they really crave) and not just sexual attention from a man. 

jee

Some of these responses seem contradictory and absurd.
I’m hearing people saying it’s not right for women to use their attractiveness as a weapon in the workplace to gain unfair advantage (which is all well and good; after all, we’re not there to just "look pretty" we are there to work). 
Then I’m hearing the "attractive" women complaining that they "aren’t doing anything to cause the discrimination against themselves, which could also be true.  I know I’ve had people I’ve known/met dislike me straightaway or at least without getting to know me very well and for what seems like "no reason".  Whether attractiveness or something else had any part in that I have no clue, but I got self-conscious about whatever it was enough that I’d ask people if I come off as offensive, etc. 
The thing I notice here though, is that the women saying they are getting the hard time also go on to quote their ages, how they dress, blahblahblah…it sounds as if they are attempting to be self-effacing when in reality they are fishing for someone to confirm for them that they are being discriminated again because they ARE attractive.
I also get an undertone of "The less attractive women are just being mean because we are prettier so let’s rub it in their faces" which goes back to my previous point.
 
BTW, I think this is less about jealousy and more about envy.  Jealousy is more third-party related and envy is more subjective.  For example, jealousy would be more operative if Woman A was using her looks as an advantage over Woman B in front of their male boss.  If a woman just looks at another woman and is feeling something because she thinks the woman has something she lacks, then that’s pure envy.  Envy’s actually harder to admit to because it’s like you’re feeling like you’re saying, "I’m not good enough".
 
There’s nothing wrong with feeling good about how you look, you’re not abnormal if you’ve ever felt "less than" (face it, we’ve all had bouts of it), but the most important thing to remember is that we don’t go to work to show off our figures or hair or clothes in most professions.  We are there to work.  While confidence in one area does spill over into others it’s important to remember that getting too wrapped up in worrying about this sort of nonsense takes a lot of energy away from focusing on doing the best job you can while you are at work.
 

Georgia

 
I graduate from Law School in my country Italy. Moved to US and start work as series 3 broker.
3 and half years of nightmares working at the brokerage firm! I had great performance but women in the office hated me because of my look. To the point that i was physically sick because all the abuses.
I was nice to them but they took my kindness for weakness and they treat me really bad.
The president of a company was a female an exceptionally bad looking.
My business partner had a major physical disability.
So because of her disability everybody was always took her side and she was getting more evil and more evil every day.
The end was when i come out on Playboy magazine like   one of the sexiest women of Wall Street. Those women were furious they  took me in a room and they   start screaming and force me to resign. I did not get any   unemployment or benefit after that.
It was hard but I started my own company http://www.gafnn.com and now i have 7 million hit per month and i got married with a great man.
They put me thru hell but I survived and now i have a better life.
They should be punish for what they did too me.
They should be punish for what they did too me.
Any  suggestion?

Lo...

I really like this article, I think it’s true to a point.   I am not trying to toot my own horn, but I am usually that girl when I walk  by I get glares from all the other women I pass.  In work settings they always hate me.  I really don’t do anything though.  I don’t talk about how pretty I am,  I keep my eyes to myself, I don’t flirt.  I never show my cleavage (personal choice), I don’t wear tankstops only shirts that come to my elbows, and I only ever wear skirts that come to my knees.   Also I don’t try to get ahead at all.  I’ve just found that most women find me way too threatening to be friends with.  Which is a shame because I long for female companionship. 

Lo...

Well of course, when you’re supposed to be a professional broker and then you take some of your clothes off for playboy, of course they hated you.  What they did was wrong… but you should have known that was going to be professional suicide.  Probably as far as they were concered no serious professional broker, woman or not, should be in any kind of magazine like that.  Sorry to say, but it’s true.

laramariah

I concur with most of this article. I myself am not skinny but have an alright figure and am considered ‘attractive’. I never show any skin apart from my chest which is mainly because unless I wear polo necks it is difficult to hide. I have always had jealousy and hatred from women as a result most of my friends are either straight men, gay men or lesbian women. I am confident but always self deprecating and suffer from low self esteem due to a lot of the negative attention I get from other straight women. I have been called a vamp, a flirt, over confident…I used to be a very unattractive child and so always used my personality to compensate for my lack of looks. As soon as I blossomed this became an issue as to be good looking and have a good personality makes other women uncomfortable with me. I have only recently accepted my looks and I wish that I could be myself and women would like me. Why do we treat each other this way. If I see a woman who is more attractive than me I appreciate her beauty and don’t hate her for it. For every pretty face there is a prettier one round the corner so when will women get over this issue and learn to appreciate each other for our good qualities (not just looks wise) and stop hating on each other?

caer

i am not exceptionally pretty by anyone’s standards, yet men are drawn to me. at work i have worn the most unflattering uniforms and still i receive a disproportionate amount of sexual attention compared to my female coworkers. i am partially convinced that i am putting off some kind of pheromone or something that is causing this reaction in men and possibly the hostile treatment from women as well. i am a hard worker and always kind and considerate, even to the women who are most cruel.  i have grown so accustomed to this treatment that i no longer consider the possibility of gaining a female friend, though i am always open and receptive to the rare instances of friendliness when someone happens to be in a momentary state of joy.                                  the only women who remain decent to me are elderly and i think it is only because they are A no longer threatened by my sexuality, B i am a generous person with my time, even when it does not benefit me C i have a gentle way about me and D i have exceptionally good manners which i believe older people still value.  also, i never accept dates with these men nor have i ever given reason for anyone to believe that i enjoy the attention. in fact, often, when i am able, i will go out of my way to dodge a potential interested male.  the only other thing i can think of that could be attracting the men is my bashful nature. perhaps men find that exciting, a kind of chase. also, since i have not accepted any dates i might have inadertantly made myself into a sort of object of desire because no man has ‘won’ me. who knows, i can speculate all day. the fact is that i believe that i do nothing explicit that would cause this phenomena and am therefore innocent and undeserving of the endless bombardment of personal assaults from which i am forced to defend myself daily.  it is a bit of a tragedy to me because i do fondly remember the joy of having female friends when i was in grammar school and early highschool. unfortunately,  ever since i reached sexual maturity i have been missing out on that wonderful experience of having true ‘girlfriends.’  as it is now, none of the female friends i have acquired have the same affection for me as existed pre-puberty. there is always a barrier, a threat, a lack of loyalty maybe. i don’t trust any of them. i know through experience that they would take great pleasure and satisfaction from gaining any small piece of information about me that they could use to put me down or even with which to destroy me…needless to say, i have a considerable healthy dose of fear regarding the things a fellow member of my sex could and would do to me out of jealosy, envy, or whatever. it is just too bad, but i admit that i find women to be dangerous, two-faced, back stabbing, horribly treacherous creatures and i dread having to be around them for too long because they are can be scary, irrational, and at times impossible to tolerate as they typically grow more mean spirited the nicer i am and the harder i try to get along.  i refuse to be like them and so i quietly take it just to earn my living-  face it, so many women are unhapoy, bitter, immature, individuals. please, be kind to others and find happiness within yourself. no man can make a woman happy. we must find our joy from within not without. nobody is worth being jealous over. if a man is not interested in you then he is no good for you, period. it is unhealthy and emotionally torturous to strive for the attention of a man. love yourself and you will be loved…sorry for all the harsh words sisters, but this has been my reality, just being honest and expressing my truth.

CharliCCC

I’m pretty, funny, extravert, fashion, sportive, educated, smiling, nice, polite… And I have tried everything to make things better with these female coworkers (fortunately, not everybody at work is like that with me). If I really want to be friends with them, the solution is not to talk to anybody (especially MEN), never talk about myself (because they would try to use it against me), let them take the attention and DO NOT BRING IT on you at all, listen to them, be self-confident, be mean if needed (really mean to set them limits), and dictatorial. Also, let them take all the attention and they will not be able to hate you for getting the attention; they are the ones that are looking for it. I have really beautiful friends who had tone of people surrounding them  because when you know how to use beauty you can definitely become the center of attention. These women are the ones who don’t say a word about themselves and are usually not talkative women. They are real bitches when they need to be. If you are a beautiful woman, you have to bring NO attention on you at all or it might be interpreted like you do it on purpose and you want to play with your sexual appeal (Why? because the other jealous women try to find all excuses they can to hate you). Also, the best is NOT to give any attention to ANYBODY (only to the ones that are your friends, but not too much. The reason: for not letting anybody the space to put you down). And you will have people coming by themselves to you because they are curious, they want to find a way to hate you, and because you are so attractive and you try to push away any kind of attention.
The problem is that not everybody can change the way they are just to adapt to the lack of self-esteem of other women, and not everybody can act like that.  Also, some beautiful women have also self-esteem problem (like myself). Only really confident people can act outside of a group, not bring any attention on them, and have no need for social interaction. I’m just unable to do that. I like communication, I’m a social person, I love laughing, and I’m a really really nice person. But it just doesn’t work in my case. It could work if I was fat. So, my only solution is to be by myself and get away from other women. It makes me tired to have to be defensive and not trust any women because if I do they will use it against me.
Hope it can help other women. Good luck! 

ItalyGirl

I agree with the poster who said that there is nothing you can do if someone is determined to hate you because of your looks. I have battled discrimination for as long as I can remember, all the way from high school, when girls would resent me because the guys they desired would be after me, to my most recent job where a colleague was so bitchy towards me that I decided to leave. I am not a bimbo, I have 3 degrees from Melbourne University, I am nice, I have strong Christian values and I am not uppity. At work I put my head down and work. I am overweight, wear glasses, bargain clothes from Target (black, loose-fitting gear, NO cleavage showing), I wear NO make-up and I even put my hair up in a style that many people have told me is unflattering but I don’t care. I try very hard to be taken seriously. But I’ve noticed that in every workplace I’ve worked, there is always ONE (usually older) woman who seems determined to make my life a living hell. They try to humiliate me in front of the attractive guys, they ignore me when I give a reasonable opinion on a serious matter and only when I’m talking to a man will they interrupt, usually to act like a smart-ass. I don’t think I do ANYTHING to bring the bad treatment on. I’ve been sexually assaulted in track gear with my backpack on. I NEVER dress provocatively. The last time I wore a skirt was in high school. It’s unfair to tell me to pull my head in and stop flirting, dolling myself up or whatever. As far as I can see, if someone wants to be bitchy, it’s THEIR problem, not mine. I don’t even feel bad about my looks to be honest; most of my teenage years were spent being told I was ugly so it’s a relief to see I don’t repel men now. Why shouldn’t I enjoy the other side of the coin? Is it my fault that some benevolent force decided to one day flip it in my favour? We should think about this: Everyone has attractive and unattractive features and qualities. In the end, we are all equal. The most beautiful woman I know has envied me my bust while I envy her her face. Other women have lovely legs but wish they had nicer hair. I have NEVER seen a woman who has it all. Even Aishwarya Rai has only an average body and a wrinkly neck. NOBODY is perfect. So for what reason would a woman be jealous of another woman then? Doesn’t she realise that that woman she’s envying for her attractiveness might have another woman SHE envies for something else? Why can’t we all realise we are all equal? Nobody is luckier than anyone else. It’s really sad when women gang up on those who admit to being harassed for their looks. Honestly, maybe they’re just being honest. Do you think it’s easy being run out of your church by some woman who’s jealous just because you and her husband happen to have the same interests and hit it off? That they spread lies so everyone thinks you’re evil and bad, even if you’re as innocent as Snow White? Some of the bitter commenters need to go out and get themselves a copy of the film Malena. And if you’ve seen it, don’t forget, that woman did NOTHING to bring on the hatred of all the village women except be more beautiful than they were, and in the end she even forgave them for nearly killing her in their violent rage. It’s a sobering look at the harsh reality: Women, if they feel threatened, will hurt you if they can. God help you if you’re a bit dim-witted or intellectually inclined. In this world, unfortunately, if you’ve got the package, you also need to keep a bright sword by your side to fend off the wolves.

racheal

I  empathize with you completely! 
I remember the warmth and joy of my childhood and pre-teen best friendships and mourn the fact that that kind of  loving, accepting and joyful friendship with other women has apparently been lost to me, possibly forever (although  I have heard rumours that it becomes possible again in old age!). 
Starting at about age 12  I have experienced little of the good in female relationships, and a whole lot of the bad.  I, too, have been on the receiving end of almost-constant female hostility, aggression and bullying- for reasons I can only guess at.  My mother’s standard response to my tears after another day of being bullied, excluded and generally marginalized was “They’re just jealous!”  but this was very cold comfort to a broken-hearted and bewildered teenaged girl. 
 For years, I thought that it was something I was doing to bring down the wrath of other women on my head.   So I struggled to understand and cope with the ugly behavior of other women, as well as  with my own feelings of inadequacy and guilt for somehow “causing” them to react to me in that way. 
Now, at 40, I realize the truth- there are many  women in this world who are spiritual midgets and really DO feel driven to tear down any exceptional woman in their  vicinity  in an attempt to make themselves appear prettier/more desirable/smarter/etc.
If you are experiencing this kind of attack, from this kind of woman, know that it is not your fault-  beyond being who and what you are.  The only way to stop those kinds of attacks is to diminish yourself, so such women don’t feel threatened by your looks/intelligence/desirability/etc.  Don’t do this!  If you do, you will die inside.  
Try  your best to remove yourself from a work environment where you are being diminished.  Surely there will be a safe and healthy place for you.  Keep looking for it! 
But whatever you do, don’t be complicit in any other woman’s attempt to diminish you.  Don’t make yourself less than who you were created to be. 

AnnMoss

*I can’t believe you displayed “GREEN MONSTER behavior,  publicly, abused and defamed, cyber-bulled your  so called best friend and in long poorly written blog.  Just say it, that you think she acts like a dresses like a slut and acts like a whore to get ahead at work. 
Seriously, that all you said!  Just to break it down for people who can’t read malevolent writing.  By the way the word is envious - not jealousy.  If your going to be an Attorney.  Learn the law, which learn how to read and write. 
People dislike each other, male or female, for literally millions of reasons.  Texans don’t like Californian because they are move to their nice beauty city, and caused the real estate to go up.  It’s to point were I’m constantly verbally assaulted, harassed, refused service. 
**Free Legal Advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   You should pull your article off, before someone reports you for cyber-bully and abuse.  In future article like this people will be fined, and imprisoned.  Think about how your friend may be feeling now?   #Cyber bully#Blogger
Take your own advice but reverse everything you said, first.
 
 

monbonbon

So glad I found this post. I can definetly relate. I suppose I am more sexually desirable to men than the average women. Anyway, I am a PhD student and was so disappointed in my first year when I realized that all the other women in my program were gossiping about me behind my back. They were especially critical of me and my work. They also excluded me from their social activities…which is very hard when you are a first year and are lonely and trying to make friends. Is it my fault that when we go out, the men hit on me instead of you? Can’t we move past or at least control our caveman instincts to rip the eyes out of anyone who competes with us for a mate? 
I think its very sad that “educated” women can behave like this…How can women can be so insensitive and mean in a field where it is already difficult to make it as a female?  Also, the fact that the meanness is due to envy is so evident to everyone when the object of the cruelty is the ‘beautiful’ one. For years I have struggled to fit in and look normal. I have been ashamed of my beauty, imprisoned by it by both men and women. I think its something only women who have experienced it can relate to…but not enough people talk about for sure. I was so relieved to read this thread…
But I have to say it makes me sad to think about how much I’ve tried to change myself in order to not always be singled out. Is it not paradoxical that my beauty has turned me into a overly apologetic, modest, and self-effacing girl? Why? It is because beauty today has so many negative associations in society (stupidity, sluttiness, etc)?  
Today I am torn between my desire to be a successful academic evaluated only for my scientific contributions to the field, and my desire to be free from social constraints and be beautiful if I want to and sexually liberated…
 
 
 

cynthtggt@yahoo.com

I have been a legal secretary for over 25 years.  When I first entered the profession in 1983, female attorneys who were partners in law firms (I worked for one for two years) were just like the men.  They were professional, smart and mature.  The change in the way women behave in the workplace has changed dramatically over the years.  Your article may offer a glimpse as to why.  You write:
“In conclusion, if you’re a pretty girl, please think about this: As much as you may enjoy getting attention for being pretty, the cost is high. When you draw attention to your looks for professional benefit, even if subconsciously, you are reduced to a lowest common denominator, you damage your relationships with other women, and you create an expectation that all women who could flirt to get ahead should, which continues a scheme of rewards for behavior that we as professional women want to leave behind us.”
I do not understand why you cannot notice that what you say here only reinforces the notion that women are inferior to men.  If any women is affected by the beauty of another women, they should not be working in the world.  Women are sick if they are affected by what another is doing, and all the immaturity they display today comes from the predominately narcisstic and juvenile emotions that are in this article.  If you are any person, male or female, who hates a women who flirts or hates a women who is conceited, perhaps you’re not doing your work.  Emotions like these are usually found in mental hospitals.  Who cares what another women is doing, or what they have, or even if they laid their way to the top?  Who cares?  Perhaps it is true then what men have always felt, which is that women are not emotionally equipped for the professions.

Liandra

I have had jealousy all my life, not necessarily in work (since I have worked mainly in all-male workplaces) - but certainly everywhere else - starting with my mother, (!) an aunt and cousins (almost all my cousins were female), my all-girls’ school, and so on and so forth. This trait in women does not diminish with age. I am an only child, and have made an effort over and above to be friendly to other women, invite them places and do things, ask about them etc. I am musical, and have invited them to concerts I do, so that we can have a blast and a good time afterwards - but they just don’t, or won’t come. So I can only presume this is down to jealousy (as men have done exactly the same, but admitted it was for this reason - or their feelings have been more obvious - my boyfriends/ ex-husband often did not come to support me in things I did). With the result that I have had to do most things I wanted to do alone, because I was unable to rely on anyone else. I am resigned to this now, and do in fact find it much easier - no more hanging around waiting for other people!  I am now in my late 30s and I never cease to wonder that everything boils down to sex/ how much money you have/ who you know/ how mediocre or “normal” you are (since women absolutely hate standing out from the crowd). Women with families are too tied up with their families to want to do anything together, and single women aren’t interested in doing stuff together because you’re not a bloke! Though I am good-looking and keep myself together, I have had all I want of relationships (divorced/ a couple of boyfriends = ENOUGH!), and actually ENJOY being single, in contrast to most of the single people my age I know, who all seem to absolutely hate being single, and are just mooching around waiting for somebody to partner up with. The blokes hang round me ONLY because they want one thing (sex/ live-in partner to pay half the bills), and the women don’t bother with being friends for the reasons mentioned above (it’s also doubly complicated when you share a mutual male friend with whom they have slept, and been hurt by - but you have had the strength not to, because you could see what he was like!). I sing in a church choir and was the only one to join last year. Initially I thought they were friendly, however, as soon as it was found out I had something of a voice, everything changed. I could even have got away with being good-looking, but having that, a voice, AND confidence was too much for some of them. Several of the other women threw a fit whenever I was given a solo, and 2 of them boycotted a concert I was singing in at the end of term because I was singing in it (even though they had been given a 1/2 hour concert all to themselves earlier in the year). They also were very peculiar with me when the choirmaster gave me a lift home - the poor man couldn’t do me a favour without them tittle-tattling, so it was something of a relief when he got engaged this year. Fact is, I find him a likeable guy, and I think if it hadn’t been for those other buggers putting everything under the microscope, we would probably have got on well as friends - it’s stupid how *sex* always has to get in the way - whatever happened to good spirit (especially in church?!). I think he himself got really fed up with their attitude. We had a few more new people join this year and at present they don’t seem too bad. I don’t talk to any of the old bunch though, and I don’t invest as much of my time in church as I used to, as I simply won’t put up with their nonsense, and I don’t feel unwarranted nastiness should be rewarded.  Although, mind you, I have had jealousy from men as well as women (even my ex-husband) to the extent where I am rather disillusioned with BOTH sexes. I have given up trying to rationalize why people do this, other than that they must be terribly insecure, as I got rid of my own jealousy demons long ago. Jealousy apart (and this is going off somewhat at a tangent here) I find I don’t actually relish people’s conversation that much these days - it seems to be mainly about either mundane stuff or trivialities (trying to impress with second-hand knowledge for example), and I get bored very easily. Perhaps I always felt this way, but now it has started to come to the fore. Perhaps it is perhaps a reaction to people never having seemed to care much about me, including my own parents (who constantly let it be known that they did not care for children). With the result that I, now, care absolutely nothing for other people, whereas before I would have made some sort of an effort. I leave my phone permanently switched off, and never contact anyone, including family, unless absolutely necessary. They make no effort with me, so I make no effort with them. I feel absolutely nothing for people. I can only presume from this that I have become entirely misanthropic.  
 

Hopey36

Caer
“it is just too bad, but i admit that i find women to be dangerous, two-faced, back stabbing, horribly treacherous creatures and i dread having to be around them for too long because they are can be scary, irrational, and at times impossible to tolerate as they typically grow more mean spirited the nicer i am and the harder i try to get along. i refuse to be like them and so i quietly take it just to earn my living- face it, so many women are unhapoy, ”  As I may agree with you in certain areas, maybe they feel or sense your dislike of them and dont like your attitude? Maybe it would be good for you to look at *your* part in why they don’t like you. Are you giving off a vibe that you’re “all that”, or is your pride and ego getting in the way of being truly genuine with them? Because I believe that as long as your a genuine person and true to yourself, people will not necessarily always *like* you- but they will respect you. I’m just sharing my experience in this area, I don’t want to be mean or judgmental. I just think it’s important to look at it from their perspective to. If I have a problem with another woman (or immature younger girl), I think about MY behavior, MY reactions to her, and what I can do to be a better person. I can’t afford to have resentments—especially at work. Have you tried honestly talking to these women you perceive as being jealous of you? Maybe you could start there instead of just assuming they’re jealous?

Hopey36

Cynthtggt said: “If you are any person, male or female, who hates a women who flirts or hates a women who is conceited, perhaps you’re not doing your work.  Emotions like these are usually found in mental hospitals.  Who cares what another women is doing, or what they have, or even if they laid their way to the top?  Who cares?”  Good point, one that I often wonder as well. If someone is truly doing their job- there isno room for petty jealousy or cattiness or the like. Why are my co workers so darn worried about what I’M doing?? You’re not the boss of me! Lol

Mermaid2011

I myself have been victim of maltreatment by other women due to my looks, education and personality. For this reason I’ve been searching the internet for articles on this subject, for comfort and understanding since you can’t really talk to anyone about it. It almost seems as if your own best friend thinks you ‘deserve’ being treated like that by other women because of your own behaviour (yes talking about you, the blogger).
Never, have I felt this inclined to react on a blog, but this time I just had to, in order expose you. Since your blog reeks of envy/jealousy towards your friend (I am a law student, so yes I’ve learned to read between the lines).  I understand if you think your friend dresses like a slut (I agree with Annmos, gives me comfort to see that people recognize people like you), but why make it sound as if you are on her side whiles you’re not? Afterall, all you’ve done is bash her in three paragraphs. I think you should have titled this blog the same as your hidden message: ‘My best friend thinks people hate her because she is pretty, but they hate her (and so do I by the way) because she uses her sexappeal to get ahead’.
And another thing, not all beautiful women use their sexappeal, so please no generalizations.
It’s really not my intention to be harsh or mean, but I feel that you are the type of woman who give women like us a HARD time, by pretending you’re on our side, whiles you’re not.
Best,
Mermaid

BeautWantPeace

<span lang=“EN”>Women in the work place must understand one very important thing: we are all susceptible to critism from our male counter parts based on our first impressions.
The most disgusting act here, I keep reading from all of the different letters is; venomous jealousy is going on because of how women want to be thought of first: seen as the most desirable. This immature and uncivilized activity puts the advancement of female rights back hundreds of years ago; knowingly by other women!
This is not to be taken lightly by any one: from top management of global companies to small business owners with a small staff of 4. Women who harass other women should be held to the subject of the harassment in the workplace laws just like any other form of harassment.
I am a top Manager in my company and I have had to define myself to my male counter parts (who did not understand this female harassment issue), over and over again. I am the one who stands my ground and I do not succumb to these women; who are, oh so jealous of me.
They have tried every trick in the book. Discrediting my hard work by saying to others that I had to have help from others or else the task wouldn’t have ended with success. And going so far as to lye about my management techniques and production requests, by saying that I only achieve them in an “unethical” manner. You name it- they have tried.
One of the best paths I chose to take was, “the higher ground”. I knew and still know, that if I quit, I allow them to win. And I must see their brutal efforts, at making me seem like nothing but an office slut; as if they are just drama queens who want to delay production and waist company time & money on bullshit reasons to de-rail management from what they really should be concerned with: the companies “bottom line.” And if Management gets mixed up in their drama, they are fools for doing so.
If some of these beautiful women in this comment section are really honestly being abused and harassed by jealous women in your office, the best defense is to not QUIT!!!! Do Not Quit your opportunity that you deserve and that you are worth!
After 5 years in the company that I now run, I have seen these women squirm and cry (for real) over the fact that I get promoted because I make the company more money in a month than they make in a years time.
Please do not let them win! Press on knowing that you are secure in your position at work and best of all, you are supporting yourself so that you can have fun out of work. When all of the old and ugly women hang on themselves at work (because that’s the only way the can have/make friends is because they work together and have to “know” each other) and begin to self-destruct: I have to say it’s pretty fun to watch.
I truly want peace with all of the women who I employ and who work together. But some are more likely to have self-esteem issues and insecurities. We can only give them more praise that you think they are doing well on a project or that they found a good solution to a problem at work. After that, you just have to let them deal with their own demons as they are they are the only ones who can change their actions. And inverly, only you can change yours. Stay strong beautiful women. Stay strong.</span>
Lets really get to a whole another subject of: Women who discriminate against other women who are single and have no children. I always get the looks and the comments from jealous women who have children (they really hate but never say so) and husbands (they hate more). Lets talk about these types of women in the work place. They are really bad!!!!! They resent their whole lives, who have been devoted to others, but then when they see you having no trouble with making decisions that have similar consequences, they can not stand themselves!….

great oogley boogley

Women can’t always choose what they look like, and some of us don’t want to get attention when we’re in sweat pants and a wrinkled t-shirt at the grocery store.  So while I agree that attitude matters, there are women who stand out even when they try not to. It doesn’t matter what they wear (though showing cleavage and dressing provacatively doesn’t exactly help).
That being said, the only time I have ever been hated by other women was when I let myself feel guilty about who I was and what I looked like.  The rest of the time, when I unapologetically say to the world that this is who I am so get over it, I have the best relationships with female co-workers and classmates because we share mutual respect.  Others won’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself.

Queen1

I really appreciatiate this post.  There is so much I can say about this, but I will make it brief as possible.  It really hurts when people treat you mean or give you the cold shoulder because you are seen as prettier than average.  I am just sick of it!  Although I have learned to deal with it.  I have experienced being the center of hostile treatement so much that I am able to recognize when my presence is annoying to a female simply because of the way I look.  I notice that females will often make up stories when I am in their presence to send the message, “You are not all that pretty.”  This false message they want to send to me is a way of compensating for the fact that I have made them angry just by showing up on the scene because from their perspective I am prettier than average.  There have been times when I have cried about this issue because it has taken its toll on me.  After all, I am only human.  I have broken off many friendships because I cannot deal with females that treat me so hostile because they are so jealous and it hurts because I love people and enjoy sharing stories and experiences with other women.  A lot of women also like to play a lot of psychological games with me because of how jealous they are and I am sick of that too.  I have just learned to just be happy enjoy spending time with my children and family.  I also enjoy writing science fiction stories and studying math in my spare time.  I have learned to develop peace within my self and this is important especially because of all the hostile treatment I experience from other women.  It is because of the jealousy issue that you speak of that I only have a few female friends.  It has gotten so bad that I have often felt guilty when told, “You are so beautiful.” After being told this I fear that what will come later is hateful and hostile actions towards me because it has happened so often in the past.  But I will not hold my head down to ease someones jealousy.  However, I will remain humble.  You say a lot of things that make so much sense and many women would deny this as you mentioned and would not want to discuss it.  What is even worse is that there are men who often treat me hostile because of the way I look as well.  I once had a man say to me, “We both have long legs.”  Nothing I said had provoked such a response and it was obvious to me that he was either jealous because of the attention I receive partly  because of my legs or he was just insecure with himself and took it out on me.  He said it with such irritation and competitiveness.  It left me wondering if he was secretly bi-sexual.  Yes this issue that you mentioned needs to be discussed and often times I can feel the negative energy from other women without them verbally expressing their hate.  As mentioned previously there are a lot psychological games that both women and men like to play against women they see as prettier than average and some of these games often are non-verbal.  It is funny and interesting how they think they go unnoticed and I have learned to just sit back and observe and often find it humorous. 

eve23ie

Although this has helped me understand jealousy more, and understand what is going on inside the mind of a jealous woman, this post has also made me quiet angry! I dont agree that i should have to change how i dress just to be accepted by other women, i never dress provocatively but i look after my appearance and dress well… just as most women do, why is it ok for a plain looking woman to do this but just because i am above average looking  you tell me i should not be doing it! So unfair and sickening, i can only presume that this post has been written by a jealous woman!

Linda105

Ladies, get a grip.
ANY woman can be attractive. Men are not picky so it is not hard. I wear pants not skirts. I don’t dress to be the center of attention. But I get unwanted attention.
 
And THERE is the problem.
We are raised to be pretty little girls so that when we become adults we are still seeking to be the pretty little girl and women become jealous when other women are getting that attention whether they want it or not.
Once we women realize it is not about attention but competency we’ll get it.
Men are unpicky bastards who have millions of years of evolution behind their behavior in hunting to get sex. They will lie and say anything to get whomever they are attracted to. They don’t care that the other women in the office get pissed and henpeck. It increases the ego stroke for them that the object of their attention is getting attacked by other women. It increases their esteem in the eyes of themselves and others.
And women feed into it and get rewarded by henpecking.
Get a grip. Stop being little girls seeking the birthday party attention. Grow up and do your job. It’s work not fun. We all have to work with people who are more attractive, mean, rotten, rude, whatever. It’s called work not fun.
Who entitled you to be the center of attention all the time? No one. Them’s the breaks.

Mustang Sally

I agree that the author of this blog should have been a little more honest and direct about her feelings for her “friend,” and should have just come out and said what she wanted to say in the article to her and not apologize for it.  She did it in kind of a round about way.  In fact, she should have gone over these points with her friend when she was talking to her live, but I guess she was able to get her thoughts down better on paper.  I assume the author believes her “friend” will read this blog at some point.  I wonder how their friendship has fared after the fact.  I don’t see that her friend has posted a comment in her own defense (probably didn’t see the point). Regarding the issues raised in the author’s article, I agree some of her points are good ones worthy of examining, but they don’t always apply to every beautiful woman in the workplace (or elsewhere).  There are instances (which have been described here) where women immediately act jealous and give off mean looks and bad body language the moment they meet a beautiful woman at work before one second has passed.  In those cases, the beautiful woman hasn’t even had a chance to show her personality or her humility or her intelligence or her sense of fair play and good faith in intending to avoid misusing her looks to get ahead at work—she is just immediately hated.

Mustang Sally

It wouldn’t even help if you WERE fat—I know.  If a woman is exceptionally beautiful, has a sense of tasteful style, has self-confidence despite her weight (not arrogance), has a great personality, is intelligent, well-educated, funny, sweet, and has a natural sexiness that even several pounds of fat can’t hide, she will STILL suffer all the same things described in these posts:  being kept out of social circles and events, being gossiped about, being treated like an outsider, being the target of psychological games, having subjects raised (supposedly innocently) in your presence that are passive-aggressive attempts to diminish your beauty, your beliefs, intelligence, marriage, children, workstyle or work product, being sabatoged at work not only by the young bitties and the old bitties but also the “know they’re never gonna get it” males at work, even being ganged up on by the female cliques IN CONCERT with the males in authority and HR (i.e., workplace mobbing and bullying), being treated like a potential hussie around their husbands even when they know you are a Christian and in a longterm marriage, etc.

Mustang Sally

You said, “I notice that females will often make up stories when I am in their presence to send the message, ‘You are not all that pretty.’  This false message they want to send to me is a way of compensating for the fact that I have made them angry just by showing up on the scene because from their perspective I am prettier than average.”  I agree, it’s like your “crime” is being there and having the unmitigated gaul to be you and take in air!
You say you write Science Fiction.  Perhaps you could write a really cool book or screenplay based in part on this subject in general and the games women play against each other.  I used to really like Michael Jackson’s video “Black or White.”  I liked the way the person in the picture would morph into all these computer-generated mockups of different people of different sexes, ages and races in a seamless stream.  Wouldn’t it be great if someone (oh, I don’t know WHO…) would write a science fiction screenplay for a movie about a beautiful female office worker who morphed at will (like Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” video) in real time while talking to someone at work into various levels of beauty or lack of beauty, and then demonstrate how different people at work react to this inability to pidgeonhole her or attack her for her beauty because it was not a constant (yet, she is always the same person inside).  That issue could be explored in the screenplay/movie too:  that despite what is changing on her exterior as she morphs at will, the inside is always HER, which goes to demonstrate pretty clearly that we are NOT our bodies.  We are Spirits.  We LIVE IN a body (our Earth Suit).  And we HAVE a soul.  Showing very clearly how shallow and silly it is to attack someone for their exterior, because that is not THEM.  If we thought of our body as our vehicle and the “driver” as our Spirit, then to attack someone for the “car” they drive is just as silly.
I look forward to your science fiction books!  What a great way to take your skill (writing science fiction) and apply it to your personally-experienced angst (catty women who are jealous of your looks) and blend it all into one big money-making endeavor (that will also serve as a bit of self-help via expressing what you’ve gone through).  I think it would also help OTHERS to finally “see” how awful their behavior toward beautiful women has been and how pathetic they are.

Mustang Sally

I enjoyed reading your article and despite the thinly-veiled passive aggressive smack at your “friend” throughout it, I was still able to pick up on some good pointers that some of us can try out in order to ensure we aren’t taken the wrong way.  Of course, many of us are already doing everything right and it’s still not helping.
That’s where the Comments to your article come in handy and contain nuggets of GOLDEN advice peppered throughout them, so I thank you for writing the initial article because it has engendered so many worthwhile comments and ideas.  I used to think I was the only one who thought some of these things or experienced them. I agree with another poster who said that at its core all this hatred has its roots in very basic human feelings around competition for a mate on the part of the females.  Yet, in many cases the “beautiful target” of such hatred is married and a Christian, and/or doesn’t even have an iota of a tendency in her inner motives to use her beauty to get ahead at work or steal anyone’s potential mate or mate, so that’s where the psychosis gets a little out of hand on the part of the haters.  And I would venture to say that there are enough eligible men on this planet to circumvent the need for any woman to try to sabatoge another woman at work or anywhere else.  And I would also venture to say that rarely has a hater woman successfully married an eligible male simply because of her skill in undermining a beautiful target that was in his presence.  It’s like that book:  He’s Just Not That Into You, if a man notices a beautiful woman, he’s not going to change horses to her just because the (less attractive) sabatour was up to no good, for if he already FOUND the sabatour attractive, he would have made it clear.
In any event, God put enough of both sexes on the planet to ensure we all have a fair chance to mate and procreate without resorting to hatred, jealousy and sabatoge of those who are more attractive, so the whole idea is based on a WRONG ASSUMPTION that all the pretty women are stealing all the available males and that dirty tricks must be employed to counter that trend.  They say the truth will make you free (actually the Bible said it), which, by corrolary, deceit will put one in bondage.  Hatred and jealousy are just bondage (emotional bondage) that the devil tries to put people into to make them ineffective and miserable.  The sooner women realize they have been deceived into thinking they must downgrade more beautiful women to obtain a mate, the sooner they will get out of that kind of bondage.
Besides, women don’t want to have ALL MEN or all available men that cross their path:  they only want one good man:  The One.  So there’s no need to act like Stein Mart’s one-day sale will be over in 5 minutes and snatch the last set of silver loop earrings out of another shopper’s hand!  They won’t close down the cash registers until everyone has been waited on ladies!  If only women would start to trust God to bring them The One, instead of their own abilities to undermine other more beautiful women, they would be that much closer to receiving him from God…  The truth is God can bring you The One (IF you ASK Him)—and that truth can make you free from your own jealousy demons.

Nake

First of all….thank you for zeroing in on such a hard topic. I have experienced this same behavior. However, I don’t think it’s because of my average looks. I think it’s because I have confidence.  That confidence leads into the ability to succeed. I hope I am writing this clearly. Believe me I do not go around boasting of my success but I receive the same animosity from women. I have tried to not bring attention to myself, not talk about my success and i strive to be good to people. And it still happens. You don’t need a work environment for this aggressive behavior to rear it’s ugly head. I have found that the most effective and comforting way to deal with it is to move on. Use the negative and turn it into positive work. I celebrate having a good life with my husband, wonderful daughter, crazy dog and immense pleasure in my work. I am a retired paralegal. I am now striving to be a success in the art world.

Rosiemoore

Awesome article, thanks so much for tackling this topic which I have been a victim of since the age of 12! Like someone else said on here, it’s always the ones who wouldn’t dream of using her sex appeal who is targeted. That’s because the problem is not beauty, looks, etc, but in fact Contentment. The women who attack us are full of frustration, depression and totally unhappy in their own love lives, so they attack those who ARE content. I could be content to stay single forever, but many people can’t manage that. And they are feeling very guilty and ashamed, and trying to pick holes in a person who doesn’t have that problem. Many women feel so guilty about having relationships with the wrong man, and are in a state of denial that they’ve done anything wrong. Meeting someone who’s not made those mistakes is very painful for them, they feel like we are judging them - but we’re not!! The voice in their heads is judging themselves…

Rosiemoore

The vibe we give off is that we are content within ourselves. That alone causes this viciousness in people who are far from happy in their love lives! Why should we change in any way to appease these people?? It’s hardly our fault!!!

Whateva

My appearance threatens other women, too.
Ironic, as I have never considered myself good looking, even seeking to “fix” myself after an abusive upbringing.

Charlotte

Every woman has a right to dress however she chooses at work. By this I mean age appropriate and not like a hooker. If other woman have an issue with this that’s their problem. Get over it! There’s noting wrong with flirting. All the power to women who use their sexuality to get ahead.  Statisically we make less than men. If its legal, it’s our right to use what we can. Besides, men aren’t that stupid, are they?  

Mustang Sally

With regard to “age appropriate” and “hooker,” different people have different opinions as to what constitutes both descriptions.  What is age appropriate for one woman, may not be age appropriate for another woman of the same chronological age.  Some women have a more natural youthful appearance and/or have taken better care of their health over the years and pass for much younger than they are chronologically.  And where it is written at what chronological age various pieces of clothing or styles of clothing are no longer allowed (and WHO makes those determinations)? Also, depending on how they were raised or what they were exposed to culturally, different women would have differing opinions about what constitutes looking like a hooker or not.  Some women are so victorian, that anything less than a longsleeve oversized turtleneck with baggy trousers constitutes dressing like a hooker.  It also depends again on the figure and other attributes of the particular female.  One female may look like a hooker in a certain outfit, while another woman may look perfectly professional in the very same outfit.  It may depend on their figure, what type of makeup they wear with the outfit, what type of accessories they choose, their posture and their demeanor.
On the other hand, even a woman who looks perfectly professional and polished in a business skirt may still be treated like she is dressing like a “hooker” by women who are less attractive and would not look good in that outfit.  In that case, I would consider the source and realize it may not really have anything to do with whether she is dressed inappropriately, but may only have to do with simple female jealousy. As far as flirting, even though it’s wrong that women make less than their similarly-employed male counterparts, I don’t think flirting is the way to behave.  But there is a difference between flirting and accepting a well-deserved promotion from a male boss who you suspect secretly finds you attractive.
It’s been very interesting to see the comments posted recently about the British reporter, Samantha Brick, who stated she is mistreated by other women because of jealousy.  In fact, so much commentary ensued that the internet almost got bogged down because of it.  Yet, this article was written LONG BEFORE the Samantha Brick articles caused such an uproar.  This is obviously a very heartfelt and volatile issue among women!

Rose2012

Dear sweethearts,
Visit my webpage http://www.prettyreal.org. I feel your pain because I had the EXACT same problem, that’s why created the website . Hopefully see you there, so that we can talk, discuss, laugh and learn from like-minded women dealing with this issue!
 
 

lilprkchp

I actually posed as a law student just so I could register and comment on this article.  Obviously, there will be some conflict in the workplace from time to time regardless of anyone’s appearance.  It is true that women who base their self worth on their beauty seem to attribute any such conflict to envy.  
I also want to point out that most of the pretty girls who have this problem with woman haters have the most appalling of spelling skills.  Coincidence?  Probably not in this business.    

IvyJDwoman

I greatly enjoyed your article in a bitter sweet kind of way.  
I am a pretty (though some have said gorgeous) woman from an Ivy League law school and have suffered greatly both in law school and at work from this syndrome both from women and men (your article does not mention this latter problem).
2.  Right symptom but wrong explanation
Complainant, you correctly point out to the symptom of women (especially “average looking” but mostly “not-so-good looking”) HATING other Law women who have looks.
However, you are perpetuating the stereotype and are wrong when you claim that the “beautiful” woman BEHAVES in a flirty way.
This is plain wrong, and here is why:  A beautiful woman, is INHERENTLY viewed as flirty (the “flirt” tag even if she does not do anything-simply by her looks.  
Hence, in order to NOT seem flirty, she has to play her looks down -you are right.  Her looks will still be noticed, but she will be considered, as you said as a woman who is beautifuly without the “flirt” tag.  
The problem is that an INNOCENT beautiful woman (as your law school friend, dear complainant) does not realize this.  She thinks that she can be herself.
2.  Wrong assumption
Also, Average women, assume that “beautiful” women KNOW that they are beautiful, or realize the extent and power of attraction of their “beauty” but this is not necessarily true.  I’ve seen countless of women from Minnesota or European countries come to a major city and realize belatedly that they are hot.  That’s because they are innocent.  Perhaps they were raised to think, whether by Christian standards or classic fairy tells, that beauty resides WITHIN and that they will not be judged for their outside apperance.
This was my case.
3. HORMONES
Finally, more scientific research needs to be conducted  on the interaction of female and male hormones.  Indeed, perhaps the difference between women who are viewed as attractive even when they don’t look attractive is not their looks, it’s the hormonal interaction with men.
 This would also explain why some women you view as beautiful, but who may not have attractive hormones are not attracting the men.
A second explanation could be “beauty codes”.  In the U.S., “blonde hair” is attractive.  In France, beautiful brunettes dominate.
Your article is interesting.  However, it is simplistic. But thank you for highlighting this serious issue, which has a huge impact on the advancement of women in the law firm.
A broader approach would also include how beautiful women are treated by their male co-workers, it’s not as flattering and advantageous as “average” women believe.
 

wildfiregirl

I don’t agree with everything you said, Charlotte (all the power to women who use their sexuality to get ahead, is a little further than I’d go!) But I definitely agree that it should be OK for a woman to look her best in the workplace or wear a cute outfit. I said cute, not oversexed. And many of us do try to look our best - right?
I personally don’t have problems with women disliking me for my looks, as I’m a bit of a plain Jane and a nerd to boot. I can feel a bit of envy myself occasionally.
But I don’t think that should make women have to dress in a way they don’t prefer, unless the company rules say so, and even then, you can still tell who is inherently pretty - duh. Or naturally charismatic or flirtatious. 
I also agree with Charlotte that if someone is a bit of a flirt - or seems like one just through being nice around guys - well, that’s their choice. Many workplaces have flirting in the office, even if it is just mild, making jokes and witty remarks with a co-worker of the opposite sex. It doesn’t have to mean anything (and even if it did - we are still women and men and things happen sometimes.)
Lastly, to the point made about how work should be about work, and we women should dress for function only and leave our looks and appeal out of it, because if one woman dresses in something that enhances her beauty and form and/or flirts a little, then all women will be seen as lesser than they are and guys will come to expect less brains…
Why on earth can’t we be ourselves, whoever we are, and also be seen as good workers?
 

owning12

I am 36 years old now and today I am really just very fed up with the disrespect from women.
Today i am at my breaking point and I am about to explode.  I am so glad I found all these comments because today I was feeling like I was being a bit delusional.
I have been treated like sh*t by women and some men since about 10th grade when I started to really look like a young lady.  
I am attractive, I am educated, and a kicker is that I come from a wealthy family.  These three are very difficult to juggle and I just realized this into my 30s (my family never talks about money, but hey everyone else does/did).  I basically do not have to work nor am I dependent on a man.  
My best friend was always envious of my ability to excel in school and she was a bit jealous of my looks (she is very attractive but use to be a spoiled brat until her parents lost a lot of money, so she had to be and have everything) but years later when she found out my family had money she exploded constantly on me.  I just thought she was being her typical bratty temper tantrum self until my other friends pointed it out to me.  The last blow was when she tried to be with my ex fiancé a week after we broke up and I found out through her ex.
That fiancé was also jealous of me (I know may sound weird to some people).  Well I use to have random strangers approach me, with him near/beside me (women/men, hetero/homo, young/old) and tell me that I was beautiful.  My fiancé would get so upset.  One time someone approached me to tell me that and he responded to me “no, no my sister is beautiful”.  Anyway later on in the relationship he told me that people told me that i was pretty to be nice.
 
I have been chased, harassed, drugged, yelled at, demeaned, called names, etc.  I have quit jobs because of being called names and just disrespected.  I have had women try to attack me physically.  It is almost an everyday event and I am at a breaking point today and feel really really really down.  I try to be nice and respectful to everyone.  I try to smile and be kind to feel the air with good energy, not negative energy.  It works a lot but then it doesn’t.  I really don’t know what to do?  I don’t want to lock myself up in my house, which I tend to do, I hide sometimes.
I feel a lot that I can’t win.  When I am nice they use it against me, when I am authoritative I am labeled a b*tch.  I have struggled trying to find the happy medium.
 
i really like the advice given by some women on this thread:  don’t be too nice, you need to fight back.  The niceness gives them fuel.  
Mermaid:  I agree that she is jealous of her friend, funny how that came back around to her.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Acratleylaw

<div class=“content”><span>” I also want to point out that most of the pretty girls who have this problem with woman haters have the most appalling of spelling skills.  Coincidence?  Probably not in this business.”</span></div>I vehmintly despute that sterotipical asertion. When I was littel, my mama told me “sweetie, some little girls weren’t meant to win speling bees. Jest accept it”
For God’s sake- what kind of an intelligent woman, a researcher none the less, would wrote such a baseless, catty assertion, knowing you have no statistical data, or even a study, comparing women attorney’s attractiveness to their spelling ability.
Because I’m a pretty, flirty young lawyer who happens to be fantastic at my job (most days) and who has gone out on my own in private practice and actually succeeded. I’m also a really good friend and good person to everyone.
*if you know who you are, really deep down, then you are your authentic self* it doesn’t matter whether you wear frumpy clothes or shapeless suits or whatever makes you look the most attractive (me) You have to have an abiding sense of confidence in yourself, your competency, your personality, and your style. Unless you have no sense of appropriateness in dressing, wear what makes you feel good, and look good. People will always have a reason to tear you down, or make assumptions. Unless they are based in truth/constructive criticism and not opinion, WHO CARES.
In closing, one question: do you ever, ever think that a group of make attorneys would have a thread devoted to discussing whether they should play up or play down their style and attitude in order to be perceived as competent attorneys. I bet no male lawyer has ever said “Bob dyes his hair and wears skinny ties- plus he’s so ripped! Naturally, he must be a horrible attorney that can’t spell.” Think about it. And don’t take yourself so seriously. 
 

Mu-chan

So, I’m not a lawyer, nor do I want to be. I’m actually only 16 but I stumbled upon this. I aspire to be a physicist, which is also a “male-dominated” field and the comment I see from this are scary. Particularly the women who talk about how beautiful they are but get treated badly. I don’t know why exactly, but something about that really wigs me out. You have one side in this comment section like the cook…those comments made me feel better. But then you have those other women who talk about how they are, etc., etc. I feel like they’re really not helping at all. In fact, I feel like many of them are engaging in the “catty” behaviour that they complain about (as many of them knock down other girls for being jealous because they’re all uglier than them, don’t age as well, etc.)
And I don’t mean implications, I mean some outright are just here to rant about how much better than they are than their coworkers.
I have to say, as a young girl, that’s reallly discouraging. I’m kind of scared and even have second thoughts about doing this, even though this is what I’ve always wanted to do. I don’t want to deal with things like this with sexual competition as I just want to be there to work, you know? And the cook is exactly right, I think the women who do this kind of stuff does make it harder on us (especially aspiring youth who just want to work!). I want to be taken seriously and it makes me rather uncomfortable that this stuff is so rampant in all corners. It’s times like this when I just wish I could be a kid forever!

Mu-chan

Also, for the poster above me who wrote here two days ago: From what I saw, that particular comment was more implying that the girls who are talking about how pretty the are, but can’t spell, are probably not law students/lawyers/etc as opposed to (what I assume that you thought) trying to correlate attractiveness and spelling. Not that this is what I think or anything, I just want to clarify wherever I can (I’ve always had a thing for semantics).

cheri123

I too am not a lawyer, but I play one on tv. Sorry I was trying to be funny to lighten up the mood. Honestly, I am not sure about the author and her friend who is flirting. That is not me, but I am attractive and I get snarls at work, in the mall, etc. I am kind of tall and medium build but I get stares often. Not because I am so beautiful but it seems as if people are intimidated or size me up before I open my mouth. I dress nice but not flirty. I am very quiet at work because I am in my 40’s and I had to learn go to work to work, make friends later. I am cordial and friendly but not an office gossip or flirt. I just say this…Please at all cost be yourself.  You can’t worry about what others say about you. Be yourself, shine your light and be positive. Dress nice and be polite to others. They have a hate blog about Mother Theresa. There will be someone who is always jealous. It goes back to Cain and Abel in the bible days from the beginning of time. If you are not flirting and trying to get attention and men at work or people like you, so be it.  I will close by saying, treat others well and be your best. This way you can close your eyes at night without regrets. Control what you can control and let go of the rest. We can’t make people like us. Practice self love. If you shine your light so bright…people will be drawn to you.  Never apologize for how God created you. You are a special person pretty or average.  You are YOU!!! Happy Holidays! T from Chicago.
 

fhgr

I too am not agreeing with the way the author put the flirting issue into the picture, when posting this blog.  I have never dressed revealingly, always been conservative in all business settings.  I don’t even believe in dating anyone from work, never have.  I was even in the military and kept to myself.  However, women will judge me and say that, I’m a skinny bitch, (I’ve been told this to my face, at work), and bully and isolate me when I worked.  Men would treat me harshly because I was not flirting or “putting out”.  I was all about business, and believe me.  When others self esteem is low, they will try their best to shake yours as well.  When you are not giving certain men the attention they seek or are used to.  They do the same.  There are good people in this world, believe me, but there is this notion that you can not be attractive, smart, well mannered, kind and hardworking…  That is just too much.  As a female, supervisor told me prior to firing me for not fitting in socially to their work environment. On one hand some women who are attractive come in do their job and have a pleasant attitude being positive no matter what.  Or they take a totally professional approach.  Either way someone will always have a problem.  Those who try and make you feel guilty for smiling and being positive, and those who tell you to loose up when you’re professional….  If you give into the criticism of either you become labeled for being flirty if you loosen up, on the other hand if you stay to yourself you’d be surprised at what people come up with.  From being gay to making comments about what they think you are like when others are around to listen.  No one wants to be picked at, and it happens.  I am a 38- year old woman who, others say is very attractive, and who looks a lot younger than what I am.  People who read this can say what they want, but people discriminate and have fear of what ever their fears are, no one can really do anything about it except them.  All I can say is that the previous poster is correct, we can’t make people like us, and we shouldn’t try…  Love yourself and everything else will follow, because if you aren’t too attractive, your too smart, or your too nice, or your too something.  We should all embrace one another.  Screw what the media says, cause there was a time that magazine covers only had WWII pin up types and they were a size 12/14 on the small scale, then there was Twiggy, then there were the round faces of the eighty’s, then slim with large breasts, now we want larger women on the covers again,  people are making money off our insecurities, through health, and body type and as intelligent women we give in to it.  Stop comparing what you have to what another has or doesn’t have.  You might not like it when you get it….  So to those who don’t get it, unless you know first hand what another goes through appreciate your own life and stay in your own lane.  If you understand, thank you for doing so.

TheMirror

I’m glad I found this article. It makes me feel a lot better about a phenomenon I’ve been experiencing since the age of 14 when I hit puberty. I have had women dislike me instantly because of the way that I looked. It’s funny that people should be so conscious of your appearance, even though you hardly think about it. I recently had an interview and as soon as I met the female hiring manager, I knew I was screwed. I even caught her giving me an icy glare when she thought I wasn’t looking. *Sigh* I think a lot of women assume attractive women are obsessed with their appearance, but that’s the furthest thing from true, in my case. As far as the author goes, I think she’s implying that the only reason women would hate a beautiful woman is because she acts like a whore. Let me tell you something: I don’t go around flaunting my looks and I behave very courteously towards others. What the comments made me realize is that I shouldn’t downgrade myself for anyone or let them intimidate me with their hatred. I will take pride in who I am no matter what anyone feels about it. To anyone reading this: Ignore the haters and stand your ground. If they smell fear, they will only pounce in you.

whatnoshmo

i agree w/ someone who commented above. it’s not about looks per se….it’s about when a person is “content” with himself/herself or seems to be. that’s when others are threatened? i get similar rude treatments and havent found a solution….giving rude behavior back is not an option for me either.

Adult

Hello everyone!!! Oh my Goodness I thought it was me!!! I am so glad I have found this site, all your comments are very familiar with me!!!
I have tried to do all the things that would please these childish yes childish women I have met over the years and nothing makes them normal!!! at all. I have met a few and I can only count them on one hand that I have made real friends with and you know what I cherish them.  The other women who have maltreated me, insulted me,  attacked verbally and physically made my working life difficult are such sad people indeed. I am a confident, happy respectful hard working and sociable people person was good at my job and would assist anyone if they needed it everyone from the cleaner to the CEO and usually find they all treat me well and were respectful sociable and interactive with me at work we got along really well. Its just the few other female co workers that feel that this cannott happen and did everything possible to make me feel like a pile of poo!!! sorry for that expression!!! I tried to stop them picking on me I wore little make up flat shoes dowdy clothes and not washed my hair, I tired it for a couple of weeks and felt like Id lost my identity!!! I really liked my job and the other people the men were so respectful and friendly we got along so well.  So I handed in my notice and started a new job I feel happier, free and starting to feel like me again I have to say that these sad women need to get to know themselves and try and feel happy with what they have. I salute you all here on this site and your comments have made me feel that Its not me ,its them.  My motto treat people with respect no matter who they are, forgive but don’t forget!!! Thank you for you advice,  we just get on with it!!! they can stay sad and bitter.  Many Thanks C    

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