As I typed a client letter today at work, I realized for the first time that it is the middle of June already! As I have sat at my desk for the past month, the warm haze of summer has set in, but I have only seen it out of the corner of my eye as the sun shines in to my office window. Granted, I am working full-time at an amazing legal services agency, and I have been taking classes at school part-time so that I have less of a load during my last school year, but I realized that I have been unable to engage in any of the frivolous activities of summer thus far! I have yet to don a bathing suit, or even a pair of shorts. My always fair skin has yet to need a substantial dose of sunscreen. This is not good.

I am sure that we sometimes feel as if we are more busy this summer than during the school year. Despite complaining all year long about the stresses of the classroom, it almost seems safe now--to hide behind my laptop screen and relax in the safety of being one student among eighty others. Now, I am one of eight clerks and there is nowhere to hide if I botch a memo or write a bad letter. I almost miss the hours set aside for studying, where I had the ability to stop for ten minutes and check Perez Hilton in between 150 pages of casebook reading. Now, I fight myself for 8 hours a day to try and bill six hours! I quickly scan assignments over dinner before my evening class. THIS is summer vacation?

And the worst of it is that my kids are having a BALL! And they should. They're kids and it's summer. They go to the pool, the zoo, our science center. But they are doing all of this with the nanny and my heart is full of jealousy when I get home and kiss their greasy faces that have been slathered with sunscreen for a day of fun without me. I love my job and enjoy the work that I do, but I can't help thinking about what kind of memories my kids will have of childhood. Will I be a part of that, or will it just be thoughts of their time with our nanny?

My heart shatters every time the kids ask if I'll be coming to the zoo with them.  I tell them no, but promise to take them one day.  The question is whether that will be next week or next year.  I worry that they will be too old by the time my husband and I have the time and money to take them to Disney World.

And last week, as I ran around trying to get out of the house at a decent hour, my little girl proudly emerged from her room with a pair of dance tights on.  I stopped and questioned why she was wearing tights in 90-degree heat, and she frowned, saying, "Mommy, I'm wearing my work tights like you!"  It's times like these that I realize I am often nothing but a flurry of nervous stress flitting around unaware of my children's observations and awareness. 

I do love our nanny. She is 80% of the reason I am still afloat in law school. I do not resent her, but I am jealous of her. She has an amazing job, but I could never do it.  I guarantee that my year of being a stay-at-home mom was tougher than two years of law school combined.  I don't know how she puts up with me and my ever-changing schedule (I'll be home at 4:30, no 5, no 5:10, can you feed the kids? Can I just pick them up when they're 18?), but she does it with grace and patience.

So, my never-ending quest to maintain my work and life balance continues. And now that I've taken stock, I hope that the kids won't be too tired if their Mom wants to take them to the pool at 6pm on a Friday night.