A few weeks ago I witnessed a female lawyer (hereinafter "Lady, Esq.") accuse a male lawyer (hereinafter "Gentleman, Esq.") of sexism and discrimination. It started with Gentleman, Esq. commenting on Lady, Esq. being rude and disrespectful to him. Lady, Esq. responded by explaining her snarkiness and sarcasm were in response to his condescension.

Gentleman, Esq. asked Lady, Esq. to "calm down." I know I'm guilty of a sexist stereotype, but nevertheless I've got to say it: "calm down" is possibly the most infuriating thing a male professional can say to a female professional. It implies sexism even where there might not be any. Gentleman, Esq. went a step further, describing Lady, Esq. as having a "hissy fit." An extremely poor choice of words, brimming with gender connotations.

It was at this point that Lady, Esq. brought out the big guns, the sexism guns, and accused Gentleman, Esq. of discrimination. It was the first time I've heard this type of confrontation. And it's made me think about how you identify discriminatory behavior for yourself and when you label it as such for others.

It was clear to me that this particular professional relationship devolved as quickly as it did because Lady, Esq. perceived initially gender-neutral behavior as being gender-based. She may well have been correct that Gentleman, Esq. was condescending to her because of her sex, but it may also be that Gentleman, Esq. is condescending to everyone. She hadn't worked with Gentleman, Esq. long enough to know.

Now it seems like Lady, Esq.'s assumption that Gentleman, Esq.'s behavior towards her was indeed influenced by her sex may have been correct, but it was still an assumption in the beginning. Does the fact that the assumption was born out by subsequent developments justify it?

An employment law professor of mine once said that he has two types of students: those who believe workplace discrimination is pervasive and those who see it as an exceptional anomaly. How prevalent you believe sexism is, inevitably impacts how often you perceive yourself to be its victim. I also think the likelihood of your perceiving discriminatory treatment must be related to how conscious you are of your discriminated-against characteristic.

I'm worried that I'll miss the desired equilibrium between paranoia and justified suspicion and end up either alienating colleagues out of over-sensitivity to sexism or suffer disparate treatment unnecessarily. I wonder what approach others take - do you have specific behavior you watch for? Do you let most innocuous, but potentially problematic incidents slide, and draw that line at some type of behavior in particular?

On an unrelated note: today is my last day in Memphis and this is, therefore, my last Southern Ms. installment. I hope other Southern Ms.'s will share their observations.