To NOT Have Children: Being Childfree by Choice

Kate McGuiness recently wrote a post on her decision to have children.  If that choice made her happy, that's great.  But what about the women who do not, in this lifetime, EVER want to have children?

I recently wrote an essay on my decision not to have children when Slate.com's XX Factor blog asked readers why they made that choice.  They decided to publish it.  It gives you a good idea of my back story but there are also legal aspects to it.

To really understand the "why," you have to understand what childfree people face.  First off, Kate McGuiness herself refers to us as "childless" in her piece.  This is the wrong terminology & too many people use it.  A "childless" person is someone who hates not having kids.  The childless woman would give her eyeteeth to have a child to love and care about.

The "childfree," on the other hand, adamantly DO NOT want to have kids.  Plain and simple.

Personal Branding Corner: Don't Be So Sensitive

My husband is a dentist.  So I get to listen to many conversations about "sensitivity" regarding teeth.   The good news is that sensitivity of your teeth is often curable and does NOT impact your personal brand.

However, lately my company has been running into sensitivity that does impact people's personal and business brands. The kind of sensitivity that I'm speaking of is where people are offended and bitter about the type of things that make the rest of their business colleagues stop and scratch their heads and wonder, "what is up with him/her?" This type of response can only be the start of a poor personal brand perception.

Click HERE to read the rest.

Deciding to Have Children

Childless women often view their declining fertility with ambivalence. Jennifer Westfeldt, director and producer of Friends With Kids, recently said, “I kept feeling like I’d wake up with absolute clarity, and I haven’t. And we have a pretty great life together. The chance that we’ll regret it doesn’t seem like a compelling enough reason to do it. I may wake up tomorrow with that lighting bolt, and I’ll have to scramble to make it happen.”

Ms. Westfield is 42. “Scrambling to make it happen” would, in all likelihood, entail high-tech fertility rites with a low chance of producing a child with both her genes and those of her partner Jon Hamm.

I know firsthand the profound regret of having waited too long and the frustration of fertility treatments. But I sympathize fully with the difficulty of forcing a life-changing decision.

Make Prioritizing Simple

Does your head spin when you try to figure out what you need to tackle first and what can wait until later? Setting priorities (and sticking to them) makes it a snap to organize your to-do list. But what do you do when things seem equally as important? You want to help your son with his science project, but you also need to prepare a report (or spreadsheet, or brief) by morning.

I used to get so frustrated in these situations. It seemed like a problem I should be able to solve easily. After all, I’m not the first working parent on the planet. If I made one choice, I’d be a bad mom, and if I made the other choice I wouldn’t be very good at my job.

Maybe you think if you had planned better you wouldn’t be in this situation, or maybe someone else put you there by slacking off on their end.

In any case, what’s next? Do you stay up all night to get everything done? Or is your son on his own? Or can work deal with your thing being a day late?

Here are 3 quick tips to make prioritizing simple:

Quick Tip #1: Take a breath.
Trying to set priorities in a frenzy will come back to bite you. There’s lots of neuroscience research that supports the value of taking a moment - a few deep breaths, a cup of tea, even a bite of chocolate.

Is the Cost of Law School Too High for Women?

By Tara Jacobi  

Fifteen years ago, I graduated from law school in New York, with your typical law school educational debt.  My first job out of school, I earned what seemed like a decent salary, but facing educational debts, as well, made it challenging if not impossible to live on my own in New York City.  I found solace in speaking with other young attorneys like myself about how to survive.  After just one year of living on my own, I moved in with my then boyfriend, now husband.  I felt as if I did not have much choice.  I wanted my independence - ironically that is why I went to law school, but financially I could not afford it. 

Several years into practicing, I found my dream job, working for a non-profit, representing women who are survivors of domestic violence.  However, I quickly learned I could not survive on a non-profit salary without going into more debt.  I was helping women who were financially challenged, out of abusive situations, to try and gain independence, when it dawned on me how I myself was far from financially independent.  I also gathered the factual data first hand as to the steep cost of raising a family.  I thought to myself at that time, I simply could not afford it.  With education debt, some might say I was worse off financially then most of my clients.

Ms. JD Public Interest Summer Scholarship Winner: Michelle Born

Editor's Note: Ms. JD is pleased to feature Michelle Born, winner of Ms. JD's Public Interest Summer Scholarship. Here is her winning essay submission:

I knew it would be academically and logistically challenging to do law school as a mother. What I didn’t anticipate was how emotional it would be – the sadness I experience on Saturday morning as my partner and one-year-old daughter leave to go grocery shopping, play in the park, or visit grandma, while I stay hovered over my laptop; the guilt I feel about accepting a full-time internship for the summer, even when my original self-talk when deciding to go to law school was that I would have the whole summer off to spend with my daughter; the conflicting emotions I feel when I choose to stay studying in the library until 5pm, while class ended at 2pm and my daughter is having a rough day at daycare. While in hindsight these emotions are only to be expected, their intensity caught me off-guard. With detailed planning, disciplined time-management, and clear communication with my partner I can manage the academics and logistics of raising a child during law school. But the emotions have required a broader scope of coping mechanisms.

How do I overcome the seemingly mutually exclusive roles of law student and mother?Perspective. Turning it off. Letting go. Showing gratitude. Humility. Perspective. Law school is not forever. It ends. It changes. The demands will vary throughout the three years, hopefully providing some relief. It comes in spurts. 17 weeks in the fall, then a leisurely break – an entire month with no expectations except to enjoy family, the holidays, good food, and rest. Then another push for 17 weeks or so, hopefully with a week off in the middle to reconnect with family and take a breath. Then summer. While internships throw a bit of a wrench into the idea of “summer vacation,” there are still a number of weeks to play with – to plan fun outings and simply be with my family.

Tips from the Top: Carrie E. Cope

Carrie E. Cope is a shareholder in the law firm of Schuyler, Roche & Crisham, P.C.  She is head of the firm’s regulatory and specialty lines’ claims monitoring and coverage consulting practice areas.  She serves on LexisNexis’ Insurance Law Advisory Board and writes a monthly column on law firm life for the Chicago Daily Law Bulletin. She is the author of numerous publications. Selected publications include On the Cusp of Change: the Intersection of Social Media and Insurance — New Appleman on Insurance Law, Current Critical Issues in Insurance Law (LexisNexis 2011), chapters on the Regulation of Policy Forms - New Appleman on Insurance Law, Library Edition (LexisNexis 2009) and Understanding Directors' and Officers' Liability Insurance, Chapter 37 - Appleman Insurance Law Practice Guide (LexisNexis 2008), as well as other Appleman’s publications, including the Update to Essentials of Insurance Law – New Appleman on Insurance Law, Library Edition, Vol. 2 (LexisNexis 2010), pertaining to the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act. She is also the co-author of Directors' and Officers' Liability: Exposures, Risk Management and Insurance Coverage - National Underwriter (December 2008).

You write a monthly column addressing “law firm life” in the Chicago Daily Law Bulletin.  What motivated you to write the column? 

Like anyone else who has been practicing law for a number of years, I’ve had some interesting experiences. I wanted to share them in what I hoped would be an entertaining manner. I am grateful that the feedback has been good so far and no one has asked me to stop!

How do you balance your professional life and personal life?

I don’t strive for balance in my life. I simply have a few priorities and I focus on those. (Cooking isn’t one of them.)

Partnerhood: The Importance of Good Childcare and a Belated Ode to My Nanny

The last few months have been extremely busy.  I won a major class-action victory for a valued client, wrote an article for a national trade publication regarding negligent product recalls, prepared for an upcoming CLE presentation on the defense of high-stakes, consumer class actions, managed to have dinner with my husband on our seventh anniversary, and spent several “quality” hours with my two-year old Kate.  That being said, I didn’t manage to check every item off of my to-do-list (there’s always laundry to do and exercise to avoid).  The most important—a long overdue thank you to one of the most important people in my life—no dear readers, not my husband, but my nanny, Mili.   

My column focuses on the ins and outs of being a working mother and how to juggle a demanding professional career with a growing family. There’s a lot I don’t know.  But one thing I do know is that my long-term success depends on finding and keeping quality childcare for my daughter.  Several of my colleagues agree.  This is one of the biggest and most common causes of stress for working moms everywhere, regardless of their occupation. 

I’m not ashamed to say that I don’t think I could go to work every day without Mili.  Because of her, I don’t feel bad (translation, guilty) leaving the house in the morning, because I know my daughter is being taken care of by someone who loves her almost as much as I do.  Mili is amazing.  She is patient, kind, caring, considerate, and in no small way helping raise my daughter to become the very wonderful little girl I had hoped she would become when I first found out I was pregnant.  Under Mili’s tutelage, Kate is thriving.  She goes to classes, has play dates, and frequents children’s’ museums, the zoo, and even Chuck E. Cheese’s, on a weekly basis.  I’m not exaggerating when I say that at least once a month, someone chases me down because they recognize my daughter and want to tell me how lucky I am to have my nanny.  She’s just that good.  And I know that I am beyond lucky to have her.  So Mili, please accept my sincerest gratitude, I owe you a far greater debt than I can ever hope to repay.

Best Friends at the Bar: Stanford University Says Girlfriend Time is Good for Your Health

Editor's Note:  Ms. JD is excited to announce that Susan Smith Blakely, author of Best Friends at the Bar, will be speaking at Ms. JD: She Leads on October 5, 2012.

My women friends are very important to me.  You know that if you have read my book or followed my blog.  However, I never thought of time spent with my beloved girlfriends as scientifically contributing to my good health.  Until now.

There is an article flying around the web that several of my friends have sent to me.  Here is an example.  I have tried to track down the original thesis of this professor without much success.  However, the subject of the Internet articles---research being done at Stanford University related to well-being and the connection between stress and disease and its particular application to women's friendships with other women---is so compelling that I want to share the information with you even without my usual primary source citations.

Women Making it Work

After eleven years of focusing on succeeding in the legal world (and enjoying it!), I found myself at home with two very-wanted and adored children.  Never mind what brought me to this situation, but it is probably obvious that I am one of those people, like you, who felt the need to still be “doing something.”  

Okay!  Sign me up!  Sure, training is from 12-3?  No problem!  I am still a professional!  I will just get a sitter to get my kids from school.  There is a meeting on Saturday?  The client can only see us on the other side of town during my son’s hockey game?  I’m there!  Because I am reliable and professional and . . .   

After years of patching together opportunities, I have spent thousands in babysitting to volunteer my legal services, spent hours away from my family when I have plenty of unused flexible hours before school lets out, and spent more time driving than providing said services.  Makes no sense.  Why are organizations in need catering to working people?  And why do I know so many lawyers like me who are not donating their very-needed legal skills?  Well, I already answered the latter.