When Other Women Hate You Because You're Beautiful
No one really talks about it, but one of the main issues preventing women from getting along with other women is jealousy. In the professional world, it breaks down to one of two things: jealousy over how good you are at what you do or jealousy over how good you look doing what you do. These related but distinct problems each deserve their own post, so I’ll start with Green Monster #1: when you’re prettier than the average woman. Many of you reading this are probably already feeling an aversion to the topic—none of us likes to admit that other people are better looking than we are or, even worse, that we resent them for it. In fact, many of us don’t admit it, not even to ourselves. Instead, we channel the jealousy into resentment and let it lurk inside of us until the object of it does something that we can interpret maliciously—and then we hate them for that reason. I was inspired to write this post when I got a tearful phone call from a law school friend about how women at her new job don’t like her. Having gone to law school with her, where women had a hard time with her even then, I wasn’t surprised (though of course I couldn’t tell her that—part of the beauty of anonymous blogging is that I now get to tell you). What I wish I could tell her is that being hated for being attractive isn’t necessarily about what you look like. A lot of it is about what you do with what you look like. The most sought after person may not be the most beautiful one but rather the one who puts herself out there. Yes, I’m talking about flirting. So, while I would never suggest that an attractive woman should slum herself up so her co-workers won’t be jealous of her, I would suggest that there are things that can be done to avoid being eaten by other women by Green Monster #1, especially since, as I detail below, while in my experience women might be jealous of any attractive woman, they only actively hate those who inappropriately use their sexual appeal to get ahead.
In thinking about writing this post, there are three main questions with which I struggled. The first is: why are women jealous in the first place? I don’t have the answer, though perhaps women are still socialized to think that their primary task in life is to get a mate, and the main thing that mates are looking for (so it may seem) is the most attractive woman around. Other women are therefore competition, even if logically a woman can recognize that she’s in a relationship or not actually interested in dating people at the office herself or that there’s actually not a cash prize for being the best looking person in the office. Still, perhaps it’s experienced as a subtle insult to not receive attention directed at someone else, and the hurt of not being singled out finds an outlet in jealousy at the person who is singled out.
Question two: what can we, as women, do to stop the vicious cycle of women hating women? Again, I don’t know. We can all do our part by recognizing feelings of jealousy when we have them and working through our own issues instead of taking them out on other people. Though, as I discuss below, sometimes we actually aren’t jealous of the pretty girl and are rightfully pissed that flirting and sex appeal are being harnessed as professional tools to advance.
Question three: what can my friend do now that she’s found herself the object of office jealousy (and jealousy’s BFFs, resentment and hatred)? Many of you will likely argue (with good reason) that it isn’t my friend’s responsibility to change anything—that the jealousy is about other people’s issues and not her fault. True, but . . . like many things in life, you can be in the right and still be professionally damaged from your moral high horse. Every person has to decide what price they’re willing to pay for any one of a million different behaviors, and using your physical assets in a professional context is no different. My friend tells me (and this echoes what I’ve had other friends tell me, and what I’ve told myself on occasion) is a variant of “but I don’t do anything” (subtext: I was born this way. Men just can’t keep their eyes off me. I basically shower myself in shit every morning, but I am still so attractive that I can’t repel them). If you are someone who tells yourself stories like these, it wouldn’t hurt to explore whether it’s actually true that you do absolutely nothing. From what I’ve seen, more often than not if people at work dislike someone for no other reason than because that person is attractive, it’s not only because they are jealous of how pretty that person is. Why do I think that? Because there are plenty of very attractive women I’ve worked with or gone to school with who other women don’t hate. Is it that the ones who are hated are just that beautiful? No. Well, is it that the ones who are hated are just that much bitchier? No. So what is it? I’ve thought about this issue a lot, and my best analysis is that women hate women who use their physical attractiveness to their professional advantage. No one hates the Angelina Jolie twin hard at work at her desk in a turtleneck and flats (or even a professional suit like the rest of us mortals wear). Women tend to hate the Angelina Jolie twin who wears a short skirt and a low-cut blouse and smiles suggestively at the partner while asking about assignments. So, if women hate you and inside you tell yourself that it’s because they are jealous, but you actually want to get along with other women professionally, here are my suggestions:
- Know that you rarely if ever make friends by talking about how pretty you are
It may depend on your audience, but I feel comfortable saying that 99% of the time, you don’t engender positive opinion about yourself when you 1) talk about an issue with another woman and attribute the conflict to the other woman being jealous of you; 2) talk about how many men are after you, the compliments you receive on how beautiful you are, how some guy crashed his car while staring at you walk down the street, how it’s so hard to be you because of all the attention, etc.; 3) talk about how guys in the office stare at you, hit on you, etc. (unless of course it’s a sexual harassment issue, and then you absolutely should talk about it, probably to your boss in the form of a formal complaint). Just remember, no one likes a braggart, and when you draw attention to an aspect of yourself repeatedly, people notice and tend to draw conclusions about you that may not be favorable.
- Recognize your own self-worth
My assumption about many women who spend a lot of time flirting or talking about the items listed above is that their main source of self-esteem is their appearance. Regardless of whether or not I’m right, I view these women as less complicated and competent than they actually are because their own internalized belief that their looks are the best thing they have to offer comes across loud and clear, and I believe it because they believe it. A lot of us have been rewarded in life for how we look, and it’s natural that a certain amount of self-esteem has become attached to our pride in our appearance. However, we’re not in high school anymore. I maintain that it’s actually professionally damaging to project ourselves as pretty faces. Why? Because we’re so much more than that. We’re smart and ambitious and competent. If we still derive pleasure and self-esteem from being physically desired, then it’s important to leave that aspect of ourselves at home because people pick up on what we project, and if you spend a lot of time priding yourself on your looks and drawing attention to your physical attractiveness and flirting at the office, then a lot of your colleagues will view you in a one-dimensional way, and you will never be truly valued for what lies under the surface. You are more than a pretty face. Step forward and embrace that truth.
- Understand the broader consequences of sexualizing yourself as a professional woman
I firmly believe that it is damaging to all professional women when any professional woman chooses to use her looks to get ahead. Why do I say “chooses”? Because I do think that it is a choice. True, none of us chose how God made us, but we all make choices about what to wear to work and how to interact with our clients and colleagues. Am I… gasp…saying that women can’t wear whatever they want to? I am absolutely saying that. Am I…gasp…saying that women have to take responsibility for how people respond to their natural state of being? Yes. Why? Because our “natural states of being” are socialized. Many women get positive responses to their looks and learn (from an early age) how to keep getting those responses through subtle things like eye contact, body language, etc. Do you do things of which you’re not aware that others perceive as flirting? Why don’t you ask someone you think would be honest with you because you might be surprised by the answer you get. I truly believe that my friend doesn’t realize that she flirts all the time. After writing this post, I think I’ve convinced myself that I should tell her. Her flirting looks like this: low cut tops and high heels that she uses as props to accentuate her body in how she moves, a different smile for men than for women, brief touches on men’s arms or hands while she talks to them, standing closer to men than strictly necessary, complimenting men, laughing differently with men than with women, using different tones of voice when speaking to men than with women, making statements like “This judge likes a pretty face, so I should be able to get a good outcome for my client,” etc. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. I have no idea if my friend knows that she behaves differently with men than she does with women, but I guarantee that the women in her office notice, and if they dislike her, it may not be because they are jealous but rather because they are disgusted by the behavior.
In conclusion, if you’re a pretty girl, please think about this: As much as you may enjoy getting attention for being pretty, the cost is high. When you draw attention to your looks for professional benefit, even if subconsciously, you are reduced to a lowest common denominator, you damage your relationships with other women, and you create an expectation that all women who could flirt to get ahead should, which continues a scheme of rewards for behavior that we as professional women want to leave behind us. We no longer need to battle it out to be the fairest of them all. We have a seat at the table now. We can get ahead on our own merits. We aren’t reliant on men to take care of us. Ladies, I beg you to be more than just your pretty face, and I think you’ll find that in the process, you’ll be more respected by women and men alike.
- Login or register to post comments
- Go to complainant's blog
- Email this page
_0.jpg "Kirkland & Ellis LLP")
Comments
Good advice. And I just
Good advice.
And I just wanted to say: GREAT screen-name for blawging!
I'm giving my take on this
I'm giving my take on this as someone who is considered "attractive". Why I say that is even though I have gotten (and still get despite being happily married) my fair share of attention from men in everyday life, I've never had a problem while in law school or at work. I also don't think anyone hated me over how I look though I never make that an issue. I did get compliments on work clothes when I worked at a law firm before going to law school but I always dressed tastefully and professionally (which I firmly believe one can do while looking one's age & reflecting personal style).
I'm not so sure the problem you mention is limited to attractive women. I've seen plenty of women I wouldn't consider very attractive conduct themselves in the same manner you describe. I can't stand such women anywhere since I think they're pandering to men instead of being themselves & it just diminshes any "attractiveness" they may have. Plus it makes it harder for every other woman to be taken seriously on the job.
I don't think attractive women should be subjected to double standards as you seem to suggest; however, I do think they should conduct themselves just as professionally as anyone else & be considerate of everyone, not just men. I wouldn't dream of using my looks to get ahead since I don't feel being a lawyer should be akin to being an actress but maybe some of these people wanting to resort to that should look into a career where that would be an advantage. Maybe they should also pursue jobs in environments where their preferred dress code is the norm.
Women or just people?
I'd just like to point out that this isn't a 'female thing.'
I admit first that I generally disagree with the premise that what you describe is a reflection of general truth, but insofar as it is true at least some of the time, it's equally true of men as of women.
The difference of course is that men rarely need to appeal to women to get ahead; they need to appeal to other more powerful men.
Exactly. My wife shares with
Exactly. My wife shares with me this experience she is not really that beautiful you know but I'll tell you that I admired her self-esteem. Brilliant advice! May women comtemplate with this.
-Jan
http://www.allcontent.com/
Thank you for this post - it
Thank you for this post - it recognizes a problem that I have always suspected existed, but have found difficult to address, for, how pompous it would be for me to say, "hey, i think the women hate me at work because i'm more attractive." I work in an intellectual property law firm, with many men, and few women. Throughout law school, I had many females who hated me. When pressed for a reason as to why they despised me (yes, it was that evident to 3rd parties that they would ask they haters why they hate...), they couldn't really pinpoint a reason. I'm told I come off as confident, independent and well put together. I'm 30, but I look much younger. I am on the attractive side, and have a more stylish sense of fashion. I never wear anything trashy, I keep myself well covered and strive for professionalism and class. I've had women at my firm look me up and down, comment on my clothing in a way that creeps me out. (mainly insincere compliments and they way they check you out, comments on my weight- I am very petite)I'm sarcastic and self deprecating -- which is something a lot of women don't know how to react to. I think it infuriates them more, since it makes their attempts at putting me down seem more futile. A more senior, female associate has often made condenscending comments about my work, experience, and even made comments about how much older she is. (turns out we are the same age).I don't get why women have to put each other down. I have great friends that are supportive, then there are the insecure people that I work with. perhaps its a by product of being in a male dominated profession -- women have to compete with men, and to look better, they knock other women down.I've considered dressing more dumpy, but that's just a depressing option. It's infuriating because I just go about my day, minding my own business, tying not to let the put downs and subtle disses bother me. I don't act like a stupid helpless girl with men, nor do I try to flirt to get my way. When stupid comments are made about me, or stupid passive aggressive things are done to me, I try to make a joke to diffuse the situation or try to put a positive spin on it to show that it doesn't bother me --- on second thought i'm sure that fuels the hate more. Maybe my perception of myself is skewed, but I don't think I do this to other women-- i recognize that it takes more effort to be mean to other women, and frankly don't have the energy to do that even if i wanted to. I'm an easy target since I don't fight back, and I think some women may just be testing me out to see how far they can get before I smack them in the face... (jk).This phenomena of women hating other women is hard to describe unless you've experienced it -- it's not something you can easily put your finger on, but I'm so glad I found this site for support.Thanks!
It's how you treat other women that counts
"A lot of it is about what you do with what you look like"
This is so true. I worked in a group where there were only 3 other women around my level of experience. Two of them were definitely more attractive than I was (or am!). Slim, tall, perfect hair and skin and makeup, gorgeous shoes my wide feet would never fit. I'd say both were equally competent. Both wore girly jewellery and pointy shoes and took pride in their appearance.
One was universally liked by women and men in the office. The other was ony liked by the men.
The difference was all in attitude. I think women realize quicker than men when they're dealing with a show-off. Or maybe we're more inclined to call it for what it is because unlike the men we can't see it as a personal compliment she'd make the effort for us.
The woman in question would do things like share unsolicited advice from her hairdresser, or about her dress size, or from her boyfriend. The nice pretty woman would leave that until she was either asked, or for a more appropriate setting like a coffee break or after work. It was pretty clear which one was just a nice woman who happened to be pretty and which was a pretty woman ramming it down our throats.
I think we're all capable of having both strong friendships and strong dislike of good looking female colleagues, which goes to show it isn't about their looks in the end. It's about their atittude to us and professionalism in the office. Perhaps their beauty distorts their own perceptions but I don't think its fair to call it a cross for them to bear that they are disliked by other women.
If you're pretty as well as competent, congratulations. Now show us all how competent you are by not using your looks to either curry favor with the men or put down the women. Then we will like you even if you wear size -3. Honest.
Women jealous of other women
I have had the experience of women being jealous of me, I don't consider myself beautiful, however I like clothes and I wear them well, I should not have to suffer for what I like because other women have low self esteem and don't see the gifts they have within themselves. My question is can we get off the physical appearence and study more on what a person has to offer from the heart , at the end of the day beauty fades and then what do we have left as women ? My answer to that question is love for ones self and love for others , that is what is important , real substance comes from the heart, not what you look like!!!!
I work with an office full
I work with an office full of other women whom are all younger than me. Unfortunately, I have encountered situations, which, after reading this article, I can now understand how I have been making the situations worse. OK, so my only issue with my children is trying to get them to keep their room clean. They are top atheletes in their school, honor roll students, and do not argue with me about going to church, actually, they go more often than I do. I am 46 but look 36, have had 7 kids, 4 of whom are still at home, 4, 7, 12, and 13. I am greatful I also managed to escape a very abusive husband and avoided the stereo-typical abused-wife syndrome. Get the picture? Surely, I am proud of my children and am happy that I am still alive. I will apologize, though, for my attire in the workplace. I never realized my sense of fashion would affect my co-workers. It just so happens you can shop at the Goodwill and still look like a million dollars.
I have chosen to go to work
I have chosen to go to work looking frumpy and sworn off heals for a while. I can't believe I have allowed an office full of younger woman affect me like this, but I honestly feel that if I did not change my attire, it would only fuel the situation and just make it unbearable to remain employed where I am. So, I will flaunt what the Good Lord has blessed me with after hours. In my 30 years of working in an office environment, I have never worked closely with women, so this is something very new to me. I can gloat in all that I have accomplished and the recognition I have received, but what good would that do? I am friendly, out going, and single handedly running a home alone filled with a 4, 7, 12, and 13 year old. I consider myself a survivor and have avoided the stereo typical abused-wife syndrome. Add all that up along with a few ladies who have seem to have lost their sense of style and husbands who don't "demand" their wives throw on some lipstick once in a while, and what do you get? Me wishing I was fat and dumpy looking just to fit in. Now how sad is that?
I am a single mom of 4
I am a single mom of 4 wonderful kids, trying to make ends meet on a one-paycheck- every-two-weeks household. The other women in the office......all married, drive beautiful cars, and are much younger than me. So, why do they hate me? They are making me hate myself for being attractive.
Beauty
I am in an office with women who put me down and call me names. The ages of the women range from 33, 29, 28 and 22 and one woman is 48.
I am closer in age to the woman who is 48.
I am doing well at my job and I am attrative. I am heavier than these other women and I have overheard them saying I am old and the size of an elephant, but they copy my style of dress and accessories and hair.
With the younger women at the office their looks and finding a husband are the most important topics of conversation. The conversation lasts from the morning until it's time to go home.
Beauty brings out the worst in people. Brains and beauty makes people hostile.
If men fall over their feet at the sight of a beautiful woman who is modestly dressed and who comports herself as an equal coworker who does not flirt, it should not become the problem of the beauiful women if others are envious when this woman is getting this unwelcomed attention and just trying to do her job.
Beautiful women are seen as not being smart or nice and manipulative and must have done something to get where she is. It's a man's world in that respect.
If a gorgeous friendly woman smiles at a man he thinks she wants him. Nonsense.
Women need to stand up to the sterotypes and come to grips with their own perceived shortcomings.
The world needs to come to terms with themselves that there are beautiful people (born beautiful) in it who possess more than their looks who are also smart, kind, caring, creative and talented and learn to live with it or try to bring out in themselves what is good and not tear down the beautiful people of the world to make themselves feel better.
Gorgeous girls are being attacked and maimed on YouTube.com.
My grandparents were beautiful their whole lives. Aging does not take away a beautiful persons looks. The beauty is still there, just lived in.
Handsome men are perceived as being dumb too or called names.
It's discrimination.
Well...I'm not even in a
Well...I'm not even in a job situation yet and I'm already hated. I am a student, and upon my first day of walking into the history department...I met someone who was ready to demolish me off the face of the earth before I even opened my mouth. I was shocked, but I just kept this tiny, cute little polite smile. This had a severe impact on me because this woman could not control herself. Her face was contorted, brutal...she showed me her teeth...narrowed the eyes...this is your basic serial killer behaviour. Interestingly, there are very, very few women and hardly no young ones who work at the department...so I guess she is trying to keep the throne and the male attention. I often wonder if they ran away. Most people are fine with me, though. When I meet women who act like wild beasts, I just return the favour 100%. No use in acting politely to the savages because they will not leave u alone. I stayed at the history department, I still do the subject and though I have severe depression and often ask myself why I put up with the torture, the answer is this: I am a brilliant student and this freak was not going to alter my route in life by making me go to another department. One day people will treat her kids like that and she will see the pain.