By Anonymous • March 31, 2021•Issues, Mentoring and Networking, Sexism, Sexual Harassment, and Other Forms of Discrimination, Women and Law in the Media, Other Issues, Features, Superwomen JDs and What You Can Learn From Them
People from all walks of life have that longing of being attached to someone and be valued for who they are as a person. Man and woman are wired differently, yet the desire of being connected intimately is inherent in the deepest core of an individual. Those who are seriously in love will consider marriage to make the union official, permanent, and later in the form of a family that makes up a society.
Marriage is a sacred covenant wherein two people publicly declare their union as recognizable by law, customs, and religious beliefs. It brings about euphoria but responsibilities are also part of the package. When love and respect bind the couple, marriage can be heaven here on earth. It entails providing the holistic needs of your partner such as physical, financial, emotional, and spiritual needs. If any of these needs are unmet, it can somehow put the marriage into peril. Couples are sometimes overwhelmed by the marital problems they face of all sorts.
Once the monsters of marriage such as infidelity, abuse, financial problem, lack of intimacy, and many more get in the way, it could be hell here on earth. There are people who decide to keep their marriage intact for the sake of their kids even to the point of sacrificing themselves. Yet, there are those that choose to save their worth and end it once they feel betrayed tremendously.
Drastic changes can profoundly affect couples facing divorce. While doing so, you need to take into consideration some issues such as finding a new place to stay and what to do with your conjugal properties. If you have kids, it might be overwhelming to figure out how it’s like to be a single parent or perhaps how to co-parent with your previous partner. Managing the finances could be another challenge too. How can you get past all the complexities brought about by the wreckage of the marriage?
Allow me to share some tips on how to survive after the demise of the marriage and face the unmarried life with hope.
Grieve Over Your Loss and Get Past It
People have emotional and psychological responses when faced with a life-changing situation such as divorce. This was coined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her five stages of grieving commonly known as DABDA. This is unique among every individual and does not necessarily happen in order.
Denial (shock stage)
In disbelief, people in grief often resort to self-protective mechanisms such as telling themselves the opposite of what is happening: “This could be just a nightmare.” “This is not happening.”
How to survive? Face the reality so you can give yourself some time to heal.
Anger (questioning stage)
It all started by asking questions, you might have considered taking a is my relationship toxic quiz or you might be researching on the internet on why your relationship became so toxic. Because things didn’t turn out the way as people hoped it would be, frustration and anger will certainly take place. The outpouring of grief especially to those who have been cheated can be expressed through questioning, “Why me?” “How can this be done to me?” As a result, one could resort to yelling, shouting, complaining or making demands.
How to survive? If cleaning your closet and throwing away valuable items that remind you of your failed marriage can help you heal, then do so. Take note, that anger when not properly handled can be directed to anyone around. If you have kids, chances are the anger can be displaced to them. It might be overwhelming to think that you will be raising them as a single parent and how you will go about co-parenting if you are open with it. The kids too are hurting and going through some serious grief with the decision of ending the marriage. Hence, don’t lose sight of giving importance to your kids. Spend quality time with them instead.
Bargaining (making a negotiation stage)
In this stage, irrational hope of having second chances might creep in despite the hopeless situation. This is usually done through introspection or unseen prayers directed to God.
How to survive? Couples undergoing a divorce have a lot of “making a deal” to do. Marriage is legally binding and when you decide to end it, you need to go through it legally. Finding the right lawyer is as crucial as moving on with your divorce. When marriage is already on the rocks you can start searching for family lawyers to gain sound legal advice.
Depression (desperate stage)
The feeling of despair can be manifested through silence or isolating yourself from others while you mourn over the loss.
How to survive? This is the stage where one is trying to retrace the steps and evaluate what went wrong, what could have been done or undone. Relearning and unlearning from the previous lapses you have pointed out after introspection is essential as you move forward. Find support groups from people who love you unconditionally and who you trust as well. Don’t hesitate to seek help from them when needed. Moreover, you can ask help from experts such as psychological counselors like Glen Cove Psychologist to help you process the complex emotions you are going through. Verbalizing your bottled up frustrations can be a vital turning point in your coping.
Acceptance (peaceful resolution)
This happens when one embraces the reality of the loss.
How to survive? Once you are at this stage, you have given yourself some time to express your grief, anger, depression and made ways to make amends with your ex-partner for children's sake. Unforgiving spirit can erode a peaceful life. If you decide to co-parent, you must let forgiveness rule in your heart.
Indeed, facing divorce is not as easy as it may sound. If you are on the verge of a unique divorce story, grieve over it, release your anger, cry it out, seek help from support groups as well as experts. Someday you will get past it and emerge victoriously.
Dr. Nadine Macaluso (formerly known as Nadine Caridi and the Duchess of Bay Ridge) is a psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist offering individual counseling, couples counseling, relationship counseling, and family therapy. Dr. Macaluso is a certified NARM practitioner, a somatic mind-body approach to psychotherapy. She also specializes in relational trauma, complex PTSD, Dark Tetrad personality disorders, anxiety, and depression. Dr. Nadine uses her experience of being previously married to the Wolf of Wall Street when working with couples and helping individuals heal and create healthier connection patterns. Dr. Macaluso's private practice has locations in Glen Cove, New York and Boca Raton, Florida, and she is currently accepting teletherapy clients. More information about services and specialties can be found at nadinemacaluso.com.