No Más! How I Finally Laid Down the Law on Setting Boundaries (and How You Can Too)

Hard-Earned Lessons

You know how life loves to keep throwing the same lesson at us until we finally get it? For me, that lesson was around setting personal boundaries and let’s just say I was a slow learner.

The most painful lesson happened during Bar prep. My extended family decided to visit from out of town, and instead of setting a boundary, I went full people-pleaser mode and gave up two entire study days of Wills & Trusts. It’s just two days, what’s the worst that could happen? I naively thought. On exam day, guess what showed up? A complex Wills & Trusts essay that was messy enough to shake my confidence. I missed passing that bar exam by less than five points. Yeeaahh. 

The next time I took the bar was different. More family came to visit (because, of course they would), but this time I did the previously unthinkable and set a boundary. I let them know I’d only be available for dinner one evening. They weren’t thrilled. There was probably a family group chat about me. But guess what? I passed the bar! Boundaries lesson finally learned. Or so I thought.

Fast-forward to my early days as an associate, and suddenly I was struggling to push back on an overwhelming workload and an overbearing supervisor (complete with a revolving door of associates who had mysteriously moved on after working with her). I was so eager to be the “yes” person that I kept smiling through her boundary pushing, just letting my frustration simmer.  Until one day I caught her snooping through my office, and I snapped. Not in a dramatic, table-flipping way (tempting, but no), but in a very proper lawyerly rumble behind closed doors. The kind of tense, professional showdown where I let her know, Hunni, you need to back off. And she did.

Turns out, setting boundaries isn’t a one-and-done situation; it’s a lifelong skill. Thankfully, it’s one that I’m learning to master. This month, I want to teach you how to set boundaries so you can reclaim your time, energy, and sanity without needing a bar exam disaster or an office showdown to get there.

Boundaries: Your Secret Garden for Wellbeing

Boundaries are like a "No Trespassing" sign for your soul, guarding the peace within. Imagine your wellbeing as a secret garden that’s a place for restoration and strength. Its walls (your boundaries) are strong enough to protect what’s sacred inside, but there’s a gate that opens for people who respect and appreciate your space. Just like a property line prevents unwanted visitors from encroaching on your physical space, personal boundaries safeguard your emotional and mental well-being from anything that drains, disrespects, or diminishes you.

Let’s take a closer look at how boundaries work and why they’re essential for you in law. 

Boundary Myths

Before we go any further, let’s bust some common myths about boundaries.

Boundaries are not manipulation or ultimatums. Boundaries are not about controlling others or forcing them to behave a certain way. In fact, trying to control someone else is actually a boundary violation in itself. Boundaries aren’t about demanding change from others, they’re about deciding how you will respond when your limits are crossed.

Ultimatums don’t work for two big reasons: 

1. You can’t control people long-term. (That’s the power of free will.)

2. Their behavior exists for a reason. Whether it’s a habit, a coping mechanism, or a personal need, simply telling them to stop won’t magically fix things.

Boundaries are not requests.  Another common mistake is thinking that setting a boundary is the same as asking someone to do (or not do) something. The difference is that a boundary puts you in control of your own actions, while a request depends on the other person’s willingness to comply. Here’s an example: 

• Boundary: “If you email me after 9 PM, I won’t reply until the next morning.” (This is about your response, no matter what they do.)

• Request: “Can you stop emailing me after 9 PM?” (This asks them to change, which they may or may not do.)

Boundaries give you power over your own life. Requests rely on other people doing what you hope they’ll do (and we all know how that can go). 

Why Boundaries Matter in Law School & Early Legal Careers

The legal field is demanding, there’s no question about that. It comes with long hours, high expectations, and immense responsibility. But it also provides incredible opportunities for growth, impact, and fulfillment. Thriving in this profession doesn’t mean sacrificing your wellbeing, it means finding a way to navigate the demands while staying true to yourself.

Women in law often face additional pressures, from having to prove themselves in a historically male-dominated field, to managing implicit biases in leadership roles, to having to balance billable hour demands with caregiving responsibilities, and so much more. But success doesn’t have to come at the expense of your health or happiness. You can be an exceptional lawyer without running yourself into the ground, and setting boundaries is how you create that balance.

Boundaries = Self-Worth and Self-Love

Beyond professional success, boundaries play a major role in self-worth and self-love. Every time you set and hold firm on a boundary, you reinforce this simple yet mind-altering belief: my needs matter just as much as anyone else’s. You stop overextending yourself to meet everyone else’s expectations and start prioritizing your own wellbeing so you can show up as your authentic self.

Without boundaries, self-abandonment becomes a dangerous risk, especially in the legal field where the pressure to always be available can make it easy to ignore your own needs. Self-abandonment happens when you continuously put others’ expectations, work obligations, or societal pressures ahead of your own wellbeing, leading to exhaustion, resentment, and burnout. In law, this can look like saying yes to every request, skipping personal commitments for work, or staying silent because you don’t want to appear weak. Over time, this erodes your self-trust and makes it harder to advocate for yourself.

Dr. Rick Hanson, a psychologist and senior fellow at the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, emphasizes that boundaries help prevent self-abandonment and reinforce self-respect. With decades of expertise in neuroscience and positive psychology, Hanson’s research highlights how setting boundaries strengthens emotional resilience and fosters long-term well-being. In other words, boundaries are the antidote to self-abandonment.

Boundaries Enhance Relationships

If you’re worried that setting boundaries will hurt your relationships, think again. Boundaries have the potential to improve and strengthen relationships, not ruin them. Think about it: when you constantly say yes to things you don’t want to do, resentment builds. Over time that erodes trust, authenticity, and genuine connection. 

When you clearly communicate your needs, you eliminate confusion and resentment, leading to deeper connections. Just like in contracts class where we learned about the once-prevailing concept of there being no valid agreement without a meeting of the minds, there’s no real relationship without a meeting of the souls. Boundaries create opportunities for authentic connection by ensuring that both parties feel seen, heard, and respected.

Why Do We Struggle with Boundaries?

If boundaries are so beneficial, why do so many of us struggle to set them?  Girrrlll… let’s get real. Because we’ve been conditioned not to. Most women, especially women of color, are taught to prioritize others first by always being available and accommodating (cue Lin-Manuel Miranda’s “Surface Pressure”). If you’re a first-gen WOC, you’ve likely been the family translator and problem-solver, making boundaries feel selfish or even like a betrayal. And our worth can feel tied to how much we do for others.  

Then there’s grind culture reinforcing the pressure to always be “on,” the unspoken expectation to take on extra responsibilities without recognition, and the fear of being labeled “too much” for simply advocating for yourself. The result is usually perfectionism, imposter syndrome, and potential for burnout. It can be exhausting. 

But the solution isn’t to stop helping others. After all, that’s why many of us pursued law in the first place. Our souls thrive on service and contribution to others. The key is creating intentional boundaries that allow us to protect our sacred energy so we have the capacity to serve not just our clients, but also our families, our communities, and ourselves.  

How Do I Set Boundaries?

So, you’re ready to get on the “No! Train,” and set boundaries. Here’s how to do it.

Step 1: Identify Where You Need Boundaries

If you feel drained, resentful, or constantly overextended, those are clear indicators that a boundary is needed. Ask yourself:

• Where do I feel taken advantage of?

• What situations leave me frustrated or exhausted?

• Where am I saying yes when I really want to say no?

Step 2: Own Your Role and Take Responsibility 

Setting boundaries starts with owning your responsibility. You are only in charge of your feelings and actions, not how others react to your limits. Remember that we teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate. Maybe you weren’t clear, or maybe you didn’t follow through in the past, but you can start now. Change is hard, and not everyone will adjust, but that’s not your burden to carry. Your job is to communicate your needs and enforce them, even if it makes others uncomfortable at first. 

Step 3: Set Boundaries Clearly & Firmly

Stay calm and composed when setting boundaries and keep your message simple and direct. As Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind.” Avoid over-explaining, as it can turn the conversation into a negotiation or power struggle. Timing matters too; boundary conversations are most effective when both parties are calm, not in the heat of the moment.

Step 4: Come From a Place of Love 

Come from a place of love for yourself and, if possible, for the other person. Accept them as they are, knowing they may not change (but you're not setting this boundary for them, you're doing it for you). Emphasize to the other person that this is how you are going to take care of yourself. 

Step 5: Follow Through Like It’s Case Law 

Enforcing a boundary is often the hardest part. Expect some pushback in the form of guilt trips, irritation, or passive-aggressive reactions, especially from those who benefited from your lack of boundaries. But remind yourself boundaries are self-care, not selfishness. 

In How to Do the Work, Dr. Nicole LePera describes the guilt that creeps in as the “feel-bads” which are  those moments when you start second-guessing yourself. Stay firm. If you give in once, you send the message that your boundaries are negotiable. And if setting boundaries feels uncomfortable, that’s just your nervous system adjusting to self-respect. It gets easier when you remind yourself why you set the boundary in the first place.

Support from other people is key! Working with a coach can help you unlearn people-pleasing habits, while a therapist can help you process past conditioning that makes boundary-setting feel difficult.

Start small. Practice saying “no” in low-stakes situations such as sending back the wrong coffee order, or resisting the urge to over-apologize. The best way to build confidence in setting boundaries is to keep practicing in real-world situations.

Winning the Case For Yourself 

As future lawyers, you’ll spend your careers advocating for others, but what about advocating for yourself? If I’ve learned anything about boundaries, it’s that when I didn’t set them, I paid the price. Whether it was failing the bar or tolerating nonsense at work, every time I ignored my needs, I was the one who suffered. No más! I’m becoming a boundary-setting master (a good steward of my own secret garden), and it has improved every aspect of my life. 

The truth is, no one is going to swoop in and hand you the space you need; you have to claim it, and you have to tend to it. The next time life throws a boundary test your way, channel your inner self-advocate. Be firm, be clear, and brace yourself for a few eye-rolls or guilt trips. But trust me, saying “no” to what drains you is how you create space for what truly matters, and that’s always worth a lawyerly rumble.  

Sara Santoyo is on a mission to diversify the field of law, one woman of color at a time. As a first-gen attorney who passed the hardest bar exam in the nation and who overcame the barriers she faced as a WOC in law to land her dream attorney role, she developed the skills and confidence that comes from knowing that she can turn any adversity into an advantage. Sara now devotes her professional life to coaching young WOC lawyers to do the same and more.