There are hundreds of articles (and probably the same number of books) purporting to show women how to “balance” being a mom and having a career, implying that there’s a magic formula for dedicating just the right amount of time at just the right moments to simultaneously raise a child and succeed in your career.

Perhaps that’s true. But in my humble opinion, these books and articles simply pile undeserved shame on any woman who struggles to progress a career while parenting one or more children, either with a partner or alone. The reality, in my opinion, is that there will frequently be times that you ache to be with your children when you simply cannot because of work. That you will frequently be thinking more about an ongoing case or a difficult or complex transaction when you are supposed to be focused on math homework or changing the fifth diaper of the night. That you will yell at your children and be curt with your colleagues because you resent the additional workload either or both are imposing on an already overfull life.

Having said that, I’ve assembled a brief list of some tips and advice from my own experience, a survey of my friends and peers, and other life coaching and legal experts to help you manage being a mom-lawyer. And a note of hope - I have loved being both a mom and a lawyer. And I’m so glad I didn’t give up either of these roles that have been so fulfilling.

Timing

I won’t sugar coat it, the first years of being a parent and a lawyer can be tough. As a junior associate in a law firm, typically you are assigned work from more than one partner, sometimes beyond your existing knowledge base, And no partner wants to wait for your work product; usually you will have mere days to complete whatever assignment is given you. Meanwhile, the early years of parenthood are equally tough; you have a small being in your house that quite simply doesn’t yet know how to be ALIVE. Consequently, this little person cries a lot, mostly at night, often gets sick as he or she tries to build an immune system, and quite often needs to be held, which you will want to do, because, well, it’s your little person and you love it more than life itself. And for those biological moms, your body will be in a fairly constant state of rebellion (I remember sitting in a meeting with a senior partner three months post-partum and noticing in dismay that my breast had leaked through my nursing pad!). So from my stance, my first tip for being simultaneously the parent of a young child and a new lawyer is - DON’T.

Seriously, if you are able, strengthen your expertise in your chosen practice area for a few years before having a child. You’ll be more proficient, and therefore more efficient, in getting the work done once you’ve taken a deeper dive into your practice, thus allowing you more time to snuggle with your little one or clean up puke (or both, as the case may require). You also won’t feel as stressed when you get assignments if you know what kind of work product is expected in response.

Build Your Support

For many reasons, you may embark on your parental journey before you have time to lay the groundwork in your legal career. In that case, having a support team both in and out of the office is critical. In a brief survey of my circle of mom lawyer friends, every single one mentioned as their first piece of advice, “have your village ready” or “get help at home.”

Of course one’s parents, siblings, and trusted friends are probably the gold standard (assuming relations are good) for child caregiving. I personally was blessed with a mom who loved hanging out with my infant son; I was able to pay her for daily care, which was great because given our circumstances I was able to take a tax credit for child care expenses. If that’s not a good option for you, a quick online search ferreted out plenty of options in my geographic area for new mom or pregnant mom meetups. Carefully cultivating relationships with other moms or moms-to-be can provide resources that may be able to care for your child while you’re finishing that all-important contract redline or staying late at work for a meeting with a supervising partner. Additionally, in a quick survey of my circle of mom lawyer friends, they all indicated that outside care was essential, and they found neighborhood “grammas” or even college students that were able to pick up kids from school, provide snacks and homework help, and transport the kiddos to after school activities, “all the 2 pm to 6 pm stuff”.

Know Your Rights

As a pregnant woman or a new mom, you have rights in the workplace. A few of the laws protecting you are summarized below.

Pregnant Workers Fairness Act (PWFA)

Enacted in 2023, the PWFA requires covered employers (private and public with 15+ employees) to provide reasonable accommodations for qualified employees or applicants with known limitations due to pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical conditions, unless it would cause an undue hardship.

Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA)

Most people are familiar with the FMLA, but may not realize it provides up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave for qualifying reasons, including the birth and care of a newborn, and paid health benefits. It applies to employers with 50+ employees and certain public agencies, and employees must meet certain eligibility requirements. State laws may provide additional medical leave allowances for pregnancy, birth, or care of a newborn.

Pumping at Work Protections

Under the Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA), most nursing employees are entitled to reasonable break time (up to one year after birth) to express breast milk as needed, as well as a private, shielded space to pump free from intrusion. The PUMP Act of 2022 expanded these rights to more worker types, and state laws may provide additional protections.

State law may provide additional protections, so don’t forget to check the laws of your state of residence to ascertain your rights as a mom or mom-to-be.

Flex Em if You’ve Got Em

While most law firms I’ve worked with post-Covid seem very focused on being “back in the office” , some firms and many businesses still allow their employees to flex their in-office time. This can be a great stress reliever when it comes to scheduling doctor visits (of which you’ll have approximately one thousand in the first year of your child’s life) or otherwise dealing with the inevitable childhood or caregiver illnesses, when the presence of an actual parent becomes necessary during the workday, If your employer doesn’t have a set policy on flex time, it may be worthwhile to have a conversation with your HR department or your supervisor to see what may be available.

For me, flex-time became more important as my son got older and school and extracurricular activities involved travel and/or were subject to fixed schedules. It was a great stress relief to know he was being safely transported to his activities, and I didn’t suffer the usual stress because I could take conference calls and work on documents from the road. And it helped that I was more experienced in my field by that time, which I think gave my employer more confidence in my ability to service clients remotely.

Give Up on Perfection

At least half of the friends I surveyed for this article highlighted this advice, and at first it was surprising to me but it truly makes sense and may be the most important tip. The one who put it best said, “You have to learn to lower your standards on things that just don’t really matter.” The key here is to discern which tasks to put in that category. One lawyer turned professional coach advises us to sort tasks into two buckets, the 20% that demand A+ effort and the 80% that require B effort. She also notes that we need to give ourselves permission to redefine success. That may mean choosing assignments more intentionally or scaling back temporarily on your hours. Most importantly, she advises, stop trying to prove you are the same lawyer as you were before children - and start focusing on what truly matters to you and your family.

Looking back, I’m very happy I didn’t give up on being a mom or being a lawyer. My child is now an amazing 23-year-old - talented, mature, and thriving. And the law gave me not only financial security but a meaningful career that challenged my intellect and provided me with a work community I loved for many years. If you’re a law student or beginning associate who is contemplating starting a family, I hope this article gives you food for thought and helps you along your way to becoming a mom lawyer.

As a veteran of thirty years of legal practice, Melanie Houk welcomes the opportunity to look back on a career nearer to completion than commencement. A graduate of Loyola Law School, Melanie initially took a nontraditional direction, leaving a first-year position at Whitman Breed Abbott & Morgan to take a job as a consultant. Eventually returning to private practice, Melanie spent nearly a decade developing further public law expertise with redevelopment agencies and municipalities before gravitating to an in-house position at Lennar Corporation, where a markedly convoluted path led her to a promotion to Deputy General Counsel, a position she has held for close to fifteen years.